:: Claudia ::

Bye bye!!

2008-09-14T19:32:00.003+08:00

I have decided to migrate to Wordpress for a change. Bye bye blogspot.

Please refer to : http://claudiaration.wordpress.com

Pics galore

2008-09-14T13:52:00.007+08:00

Yum Cha at Red Star restaurant on a Sunday morning some weeks back... Still cant believe I got up at 8am on a Sunday just to have dim sum. But it's all worth the effort... The best dim sum I've had in a long long time!

Roasted Pigeon.. (not those u seen on the streets thou!)

8 bowls of dessert for 5 greedy pigs.. (2 out of sight)

The satisfaction is showing on the faces..

Wassup with that bitchy look dude... I'm not gonna steal ur siew mai.. :P

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Road Trip" last night..

As usual, chick was the ladies' driver.. So nice of him to pluck me up from office at 10pm too! I think partly it was on the account of the "Percy pigs and friends" I bought last week.. Hee...

But see! He looks happy to drive us too! :D

I brought the gang to the open space at Keppel Bay. Yes these days i've been talking alot about Keppel Bay. It's a nice place! Great

Just chilling out..

There's more pics on elaine's camera.. I brought mooncake along to share the love. Post them soon...

Serangoon Gardens Saga

2008-09-11T13:41:00.002+08:00

Some would have heard about the possible plan of a workers' dormitory to be constructed and site of previous Serangoon Garden Technical School. About 500 residents signed a petition against it, and a dialogue session was arranged with MP George Yeo..

The controversial site is less than 400m away from my house, and I was pretty concern about the outcome. Heard from dad, the plan is called off already.. *heave a little sigh of relieve*

I read a piece of news from Yahoo news, but I cant find it anymore.. But i vividly remember, Singaporeans were urged to be more accommodating to foreign workers, after all they did contributed to our economy.. (something like that..) This saga has led to some people labeling residents of Serangoon Gardens as selfish, snobbish and racist..

To a certain extend, I'd actually say everyone has a selfish part of us within. And where we live doesn't change this fact.. You think if there's a proposal to locate the dormitory at River Valley? Orchard Road? and residents at these "exclusive residential areas" wouldn't mind at all?

We have to be frank that social issues bound to rise. Be clear i'm not being racist. My dad is in the construction line, and I appreciate the contribution of these workers to my dad's company. But we just cannot deny that we have very different way of life, and it is a better idea to house these workers at somewhere themselves and the society are comfortable..

It is common for us to see workers sitting on any empty grass patch at Little India on weekends. That is their way of life, as seen on streets of Delhi, Mumbai, etc.. Even before Ion was constructed, the grass patch abv Orchard MRT station, the patch is filled with filipino workers on weekends.. We see them having picnics there too. I don't see anything wrong with it. But take a walk down the backstreets of Geylang at night.. Fights after a few drinks are common. Really, no one wish for fights to take place anywhere near their homes. Even for residence at HDB estates, rite?

It's so not right to point fingers and make swiping remarks.. Hmpfff...

2008-09-07T23:17:00.002+08:00

Just a quick update before I snooze..

It was my dear sister's bday last wednesday. Was suppose to give her a nice treat at the Marriott Hotel, but the cafe was already fully booked for the day. So the backup plan was Keppel Bay.

The Hot Mama birthday girl.. Peggy is over 8 months Preggy!

Nice chocolaty profiteroles to end the meal..

And finally.. A shot of Keppel Bay..

The shot of keppel bay was almost officially the last shot from my C902. I sold my phone today, and actually at this moment, I'm still thinking of I should get the iPhone or not..

I've heard about the cons of this legendary phone.. No mms, U can't forward msg, No video taking function, no bluetooth transfer..

I'm still weighing it out, whether my love for Apple is great enough to overlook these shortcomings. Haha..

Ok that's about all for the week. Good nite folks! I've been plagued by the flu bug for the past week and am getting better by the day.

It's a new week again..! I'm gonna have a happy week! That's my promise to myself... Cheers! :D

Marina Keppel Bay

2008-08-28T10:49:00.005+08:00

Was at Marina Keppel Bay last nite.. Chilling out at Privé's waterfront bar. It's a really nice place! I'm looking forward to going there again.. Thanks Koobs for bringing me there!

I didn't take any pics cos i dont trust my C902, and was too busy yakking away.. It's a great evening. I had dinner with Raymond and Koobs. Had some time alone with Ray b4 Koobs came. It's great jus to catch up and enjoy the great food. I cant even remember when's e last time we sat down just to eat n talk.. As we get more n more deprived of good times with our friends, the dinner was jus awesome!

And it's the same for Koobs. To jus sit by the waters and enjoy a bottle of cold beer.. And catch up with each other's business ventures, it's nice.. I really enjoy quality time with friends.. Maybe the next time I can get my 2 gooses along too. Hopefully... hopefully...

Got a few superb pics from the net to share..

(Credit:pennypoon1104, from Google image search)

(Credit:Jenson, image from Google image search)

http://www.yearbookyourself.com/

2008-08-27T01:12:00.003+08:00

oh man... this website is so much fun! saw this from junie's blog.. n sis n i jus went nuts!

sis n i amused ourselves so much with my bro-in-law's picture, i was so afraid she's laugh till she deliver baby. hahahaa...

here's a few funny 1 to share..

2008-08-26T13:35:00.004+08:00

I had a really bad night. Some motorbikers kept me awake through the night. They were riding up and down the road, right outside my house..

Just when I'm abt to fall asleep at dawn, i began having nightmares.. Lots of running and pursuing, as if they were real.. I got out of bed feeling disorientated.

On the way to hosp to bring mum home, I looked at the sky and thought to myself, how beautiful the sky is.. Had been days since I saw the patches of blue we take for granted every single day. After 2 days of rain, the sky this morning was a gift of life. It's so beautiful, I was convinced there's heaven somewhere out there.

The best part of life is being able to see the beauty and find miracles in the most ordinary thing..

Pictures ripped off the net, nt taken by moi..

Reality of life

2008-08-18T23:53:00.002+08:00

There's a stack of bills on my table that I don't even want to open the sealed envelopes.

Insurance cannot debit the monthly premium from my giro account cos it's empty.

I have yet to replace my lost IC after more than a month. I'm not sure what the consequence may be, but I do not have $300 to part with, to just earn myself an identity on that pink card.

After sorting out the corporate accounts, I need to put back $550.

Why didn't I strike Toto last week...? Sobz...

Random updates

2008-08-10T00:07:00.002+08:00

Too bad, my dearies and I did not strike Toto. So we all still gotta get our ass back to work on Monday!
I'm counting down to the arrival of my new niece! Expecting her arrival any time in month of September. So exciting! Sis and I had been going out more often.. After delivery she will be locked up at home for 1 month. Haha.. So she say she mus shop while she still can.. These days her tummy has gotten so big, i'm worried she mus deliver any time! :P
Recently i'm trying out homemade fruit enzymes. Enzymes are complex protein that acts as catalysts to various processes in our body. Eg. digestion, metabolism, cell renewal, etc. It is for better health, and better skin!

Today I made tomato enzyme for my mum to take. 1st harvest will be in 3 days.. Take picture tmr to show u guys..! :)

Randy Pausch - The Last Lecture

2008-08-04T23:16:00.004+08:00

Guang shared a video on our thread. It's a great lecture by Dr. Randy Pausch, that almost moved me to tears.. It made me felt small. There's so much more to learn abt life.. Attitude, dreams, goals.. I kept mine in constant review. It's time I push myself harder to be a better person!

I've started going back to work. A little part of me feels guilty. Cos it means spending less time with mum. But the sad fact is that there's only that much i can do even if i stay home all day. I figured it's time to direct some attention to other aspects of my life as well.

What's ur regret?

2008-07-29T23:19:00.002+08:00

Turning 24.. I cant help but feel a tad of disappointment in myself. No longer young, and there's simply no time left to fool around anymore. Especially after all that has happened for the past few months. The reality is scaring me. Looking back, I have so many regrets.. Imagine today's the last day for me. Man.. I'll be so pissed off with myself for not trying hard enough all my life!

The priorities of life.

My loved ones are always on the top of my list. The mistake I made was that, I didn't learn to manage the situations well enough. I didn't learn to multitask effectively. Hence I always end up giving up all other aspects of life, jus to focus on one, which actually is not right. Life is about striking a balance.. But I don't regret. Cos aspects like studies and career, I can pursue it anytime. Things like ur family and ur loved ones, once u lose them, u may never get it back..

Everyone's priorities in life is different.

When my partner told me he may need to get a full-time position soon, I knew I had to work out a path for myself. I did not ask him to hang on any longer than he wish, cos for the past few months, it has been really hard on him, and I'm thankful I'm able to leave all operations to him and trust all is safe in his hands.. What more can I ask from a partner like this?

I thought this may not be a bad thing. Maybe we'll jus close the studio down, I'll complete my studies, then get a job and start off again in some marketing/communications position. Getting a regular day job has it's perks too. Stable income, no overheads, no utility bills, there's allowance and benefits.. etc etc..

But is this what I want in my life?

I said, I'll walk away from this start up without regrets if things dont work out. But not when I've not worked hard enough for it. I give myself only this 1 chance.. 1 shot.. If I don't try to make it, I never know if i ever can. There's no right time. There's only now..

Sometimes we gotta take chances at the things that matters to us.

The fact that my mum has made it this far, it occurs to me I still have the chance to make up for the regrets I may have. At the very least, I want to graduate with pride, let her know I have the ability to run a small business and be self sufficient. Her little girl has grown up and she no longer needs to worry abt me.

Sat in office with partner today, and sort out our plans for the near future. Actually things aren't that bad. It's jus that we have quite an amount of money that's floating out there.. Bad debts that we need to chase them back. We also have a couple of strong leads that looks quite promising.. So I just hope that all turns well soon for us, so that we may not have to part ways after all.

I'll hate to have to start all over to find another partner. Not just someone who shares a common goal and vision, but someone u're able to work with through thick and thin.. What I fear the most? Someone immature and dependent, and I literally have to chase after him/her like a crazy and naggy mother goose! (This goes the same for relationships.. Cant express it enough, how glad I am to be single and carefree, and free to pursue my goals and realise my dreams...)

So so.. I really hope things start getting better for me soon, so I can get back to school and work, and hopefully b4 I hit my quarter-life crisis (25 yrs), I'm able to show some results to myself and not just useless like how I turn 24 this year.

F.B.T.

2008-07-28T22:45:00.004+08:00

It all started with getting FBT shirts for the Bintan trip for that 'synchronized' look.
Now FBT has all new meanings to my dearies and me!

We are the FBT group/clique/gang.. (whatever u call it..)
FBT = Forever Boliao Together

and today, I figured FBT is also our Fantabulous Bintin Trip! So cool...!! Hurrr.... :D

We had a fantastic bbq dinner.. All thanks to Elaine for making all the arrangements! The food was simply great! Tell me how to not get fat...

Great views of lovely Bintan's Kelong..

Cheers to 11 years of friendship that's overloaded with laughters and whole lot of nonsense that don't make sense! Hur hur.. We sure live up to our name, Forever Boliao Together!

... more pics to come after I consolidate them!

Happy Birthday to me!

2008-07-25T01:22:00.005+08:00

Happy get-old Day to moi... I feel old.. 24 years OLD.. But the birthday celebrations still feel the same. We always laugh till we get cramps.. And each year jus gets better and better!

Thank you my dearies for the lovely flowers and gifts.. I love each of them to bits!

Pretty flowers... I love them as much as I love u boys! Hehehe...

Rayner made these earrings himself.. So touched! Really appreciate the effort..!

And this pretty make up palette ! The box reads, "Realness of Concealness - Mini 'fake it' kit".. June u really know what I need..! My panda eyes really need them.. Hehehe.. I'm jus worried it's so cute, I cant bear to bring myself to use them..!!

The toiletry set is so nice too.. JUST IN TIME FOR BINTAN TRIP! :D

There's a lot more pictures to show! Once I get them from Elaine i'll show them off here.. :D

And it's past midnight.. It's also ELAINE's birthday today!! My dear best friend.. I'm glad to have u celebrate our birthdays together every year since we were 13.. Haha.. It's scary how time flies... 11 precious years and more to come...

Now i'm super looking forward to our Bintan trip on Saturday! Hello to the Sun, the Sea and the Sand.. And all the fishes in the ocean.. I'm gonna say hello very soon.. !! :D

It has been some time since I have something so happy and nice to share.. It's just great things are changing for the better.. Let's hope things will keep the way it is...! :)

Randomly random

2008-07-24T00:58:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday to me..

I'm now 1 year to being a quarter centurian.. That's my sister's not very flattering birthday msg to me.. Thank you.. Hur hur..

Today I watched the 1st movie with my dad u know!! I thought it was so cool... Hehee... We hardly have such family time together.. It's really nice.. It's probably the best birthday present this year! :D

Blessed Life..

2008-07-23T13:47:00.002+08:00

While i'm lamenting about getting older yet again.. I'm also glad to feel more and more blessed as the days go by. It's not that life suddenly became problem-free, but i've learnt to count my blessings. Even adversities became blessings in disguise. Of cos there'll still be times that I wish i'm less broke and have more than 24 hrs a day.. Normal la! I'm human after all..

So so.. My 1st bday present came from Audrey in early March. More than 4 months ahead in time.. See! I said i'm truly blessed..

And last month, I got a sleek and chic new handphone from my sister.. The brand new C902 camera phone.. How lucky! And surprisingly, my bro gave me an ang bao yesterday too. Well I guess no matter what, family will always be family.. :)

Now i've got myself a new Coach wristlet, though I didn't like the colour very much initially, guess i'm growing into it now. If the old one was not stolen, I'd have parted with my money and have a gleaming new one sitting next to me now.

And I guess the biggest gift I got from God was to have my mum by my side this year.. I really thought I wouldn't be able to have her with me anymore earlier this year. My prayers are answered, so now I will be more faithful to my religion for answering my plea.. Keep the promises I made, and keep hoping mum can really tide over this ordeal and be there to witness of my yet-to-born niece Rianne.. :)

Random

2008-07-16T23:42:00.002+08:00

Have something random to relate to..

I've been bumping into this random stranger again and again.. I kept wondering if it's pure coincidence, or is it really fate? If u were me, would u go forward and say hello?

The 1st time, I was lusting over the pretty bags in the display case.. He's a service staff of this luxury brand retail store.

The 2nd time, he was in front of me in the queue at the ATM.

The 3rd time, I was crossing the road to Takashimaya. He was in front of me again..

And today, I spot him from afar again.. How strange is this?

what are the chances of spotting a familiar face in the crowd, again and again? I wonder...

p.s. I'm definitely not stalking him ok... :P

Story of Joy

2008-07-09T21:22:00.002+08:00

My mum's operation ended at abt 7pm and was quite successful. Managed to remove more than 60% of her tumour, despite losing alot of blood. Hence surgeon decides to cut short the surgery.

When I saw her at 8pm, we're amazed by her recovery. Though still under anesthesia, she was conscious and cried the moment she saw my dad and me. She recognized us instantly.. She is simply amazing..

What I really learnt is that at times, we need to take a chance on the people or things that matters to us. Never give up.. Keep believing in miracles, but dont forget to accept every bit of life, good or bad..

Along this journey, I felt alone at times. But i really learn to put the letter 'I' aside, and replace it with 'U' and 'They' more often. I'm glad I made the right decision to keep seeking for different professional medical opinions.. When I finally met the surgeon who's willing to perform the op, i began to worry that if the op fails, i'd feel responsible for the failure. The mental pressure is always there, and it's something only few are able to empathize with the situation.

I cant express enough how grateful my family and I am to this surgeon.. Taking on a case that another surgeon has rejected takes more than courage, but a whole lot of passion, belief and faith to take the patient and my family through this ordeal. I'm also very thankful to those who responded promptly when I seek referrals for neurosurgeons..

From the discovery of mum's condition, to her long long hospitalisation period, to her slipping into coma, to being prepared for the worst to come, to not giving up and the continual search for surgeons.. This journey is really like a roller coaster ride..

Irreplaceable

2008-07-09T16:40:00.004+08:00

The Coach wristlet i used as my wallet got pick-pocketed yesterday.. and I only discovered it this morning. I'm damn upset for a few reasons:

- The wristlet was a limited edition and I bot it with my hard earned money some years back to reward myself upon project completion.

- I have a pen in it that has my name carved on it. Most importantly it was a 21st bday gift from someone special.

- There was a polaroid pic of elaine n me. Polaroid means there's no digital backup.

The above are reasons for my heartache. Cos these things carry sentimental values and are irreplaceable. They're gone forever now..

Dont really care abt the cash or the cards, or the IC, thou it's a hefty $300 to replace..

Heartache.. heartache.. heartache..
It's hard to get over the loss of anything u have emotional attachments on..

Today is also the day mum goes to operation. While i'm typing away now, doctors are battling with the massive tumour. I'm not sure what to think at this instance, but to keep crossing my fingers when the phone rings, it wont be bringing me bad news. Whatever it is, I jus dont wanna worry myself sick now. What will be, will be. Save the worries for later.

Questions

2008-07-01T01:13:00.002+08:00

I sat by mum's bedside in the hospital today, and got hit by waves of questions that constantly resound in my head. As I held her warm but lifeless hand, as I constantly tell her to be strong for now, hang in there for the operation.. Assuring her she'll be able to regain conscious after the op, be able to eat again, be able to witness the arrival of my little niece..

Frankly I cant even convince myself. At times I feel like I'm deceiving her.. Nobody knows for sure what the outcome of the op will be.

Earlier last wk, I tried hard to get a surgeon to perform the op for her. For better of worse, the op is her only chance to be with us for a longer period of time. It was only today, that I really question, if i'm making the best decision for her.

Kinda feel the pressure on me. What if, actually she didn't want to go through the op? Or what if, her physical condition does not improve? Doc is very confident of regaining her consciousness. What if by then, she's conscious, but she's still unable to get out of bed, unable to eat, unable to speak, unable to understand us, unable to recognise us..? Is there quality to a life like this? In fact it's gonna be worse if she's more conscious of the state of life she's living.

I can't help but worry about the negative stuff. Or maybe I'm trying to not allow myself be too hopeful of anything at all. When I found the surgeon who's willing to perform the op last wk, the 1st thing I wanna do is to tell my sis, my aunt and my best friends, to share this joy with me. But the other voice in me tells me not to be overly positive, or be prepared to be greatly disappointed shld anything happen..

I'm not really sure what to think. I'm worried being positive and hopeful about the situation will end up hurting myself more. How confusing..

2008-06-30T02:24:00.002+08:00

Admitted my mum to hospital again earlier on.. 2 days earlier than schedule. She suffered an episode of epilepsy and was bleeding in the mouth.

Not sure if this is going to cause any delay to the operation that was initially scheduled on Thursday. Can just cross my fingers till then.

Actually I really have alot to update about the past week.. About work, about friday's movie outing and about the 1st birthday present I received.. But somehow i'm not sure where to begin.

Journey to the East

2008-06-29T04:18:00.001+08:00

20th June - My super long day began with me bringing my sis to the gynae for her checkup at noon. To date, she is coming to 7 months of her pregnancy already. Time flies..

After gynae, sis n i went shopping and pig out. I head to meet elaine, june and chick at Vivocity to do some shopping and have dinner. It was a fruitful shopping trip! I bot a dress from the Mango sale, and got my raspberry eye mask from TheFaceShop.

That night was super fun! We had 2 cars that drove the 7 of us all over the east! 2 hrs drove to hunt for the mee sua!! I think i shall not go into details how we took 2 hrs to drive from Punggol park to Kembangan.. or elaine will kill me. HAHA!!

We even head to Bedok jetty for a late night stroll after supper.. how romantic rite.. haha.. Only got home at past 3am that night. It was filled with so much joy, laughter and great food.. Really took my mind off everything else. It was jus awesome..

(Blogger's down at this time. Upload pics soon..)

A happier post

2008-06-19T18:31:00.003+08:00

@ TCC harbourfront...

@ Loof bar...

Disorientation

2008-06-18T22:40:00.002+08:00

Feel quite disorientated these days.. As if my body and mind has been misaligned.

I'm not sure if stopping work is the best decision to make. Suddenly I lost the drive and direction for my life. Feels like i'm hanging on a thin thread.. I'm filled with uncertainties, waiting for something to happen.. I'm feeling so insecure now.

It took me 2 wks to finish up all the work on hand. I can't commit to any work or deadlines for now.. Yet I really feel lost having nothing to do, but to wait for something to happen. It's definitely not the best feeling ever, and it's a very dreadful wait..

Time flies. It has been 3 months since all these has happened. It didnt felt that long.. But reality is cruel. Not working for 3 months means I've maxed out all my money again..

I'm really ok with the extra spending during this period of time. I need to get on with my social life, so i still meet my friends for dinner and drinks.. I realise the importance of a quality life, so i spend more on organic food for my mum, sis and myself.. Things has been hard for me, so i still go to the spa, get my massages, get my hair and nails done.. I definitely deserve to pamper myself at times..

1 weekend, my auntie told my sis and me, we need to get a set of jewellery for my mum.. It's a tradition, to signify the daughters' blessings to their mother when they depart. Suddenly I felt so upset. I cant really afford to share half the cost, so sis will pay for me first.. Shameful isn't it? Turning 24, and I didn't even have some savings. Cant afford the couple of hundred of dollars.. Even though I know it doesn't matter how much I chip in, it's the thought that matters. But I cant help but feel sorry that I did not do my mum proud..

I hope she didn't have to worry about me so much..

How often do we only regret when everything is too late? I wish I had managed my life better. To at least complete my degree? I should have done that by March this year, before all this has happen..

How many partners have I brought home so far? Frankly I don't even wanna count. Nothing to be proud of.. Though mum never had any issues with them, and got along well with them all, I know all she wish is for me to settle down with someone stable..

I got my tattoos done and head home to show mum, expecting her to scream the hell out of me. Yet she was actually amused and commented the butterfly is quite small.

When i was still in Lasalle and the depression episode hits me.. I was crying in bed all day. Mum sat by my bed and cried with me. She told me it's ok if I wanna quit, what matters is that I'm happy..

Memories are often beautified as time goes by.. It is undeniable that there were issues with mum that drove me nuts, in fact, drove me to hospitalisation for depression and sleep disorder some years ago. Yet it is also undeniable no matter how badly she behaved before, family was her 1st priority and she loved us all with all her heart.

The past 8 years has been filled with so much ups and downs..

There are just some things, some people, we can never get over it/them, no matter how much time passes..

Sometimes letting them go is the best way to love them.

Letting go..

2008-06-10T12:02:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was the 3rd time in the past 3 months that I wailed my eyes out.

Every single day, I need to pull myself together.. Everyone say I'm very strong and I also thought I'm coping very well. It's true I didn't feel very emotional throughout this period of time. Cos the day-to-day matters has kept me busy and numbed. I even had to console my aunties, telling them not to be sad, not to cry..

My sister who has been going through this battle hand in hand with me, also had to stop pushing on. Being 6 months pregnant, fatigue has started to take a toll on her. She even has to be warded yesterday to undergo a minor operation, to prevent a premature delivery. Maybe during this period of time of resting, she's unable to be by my mum's side on her final journey..

The situation is such that, it is demanded of me to be strong. I don't have a choice, whether I like it or not. I cant break down, cos i'm not allowed to. This is the final lap. I can only jus keep going on. There's no way out...

When I started thinking about how the past 8 years has been for me, i cant control my tears and they jus started flooding the place like a broken tap. I'm filled with so much regrets and shame. There's so much I could have done to have more quality time with my mum..

While crying myself out, I got an sms from someone. I've heard enough of everyone telling me to be strong. It was very soothing and therapeutic to be told to just let go and let the emotions flow.. It came upon to me as a permission to be weak. It's ok to be not strong, it's ok to just cry and let it out..

I felt human all over again. And today, i'm able to move on again, continuing this final journey with more strength and pride..

Learning to appreciate..

2008-06-01T23:19:00.002+08:00

I certainly know how to appreciate the little things in life much much better now.. The everyday things that you and I take for granted..

Each night as I lay in bed, just before I fall asleep.. I'd be so thankful, yet another day has passed.. Thank God for the additional day I got with mum..

Each time I have my meal.. I'd be so thankful for the ability to eat and enjoy good food. Ever since mum lost her ability to swallow, she has been feeding through tubes. Getting used to not eating at all is even more tough than anyone normal can imagine.

Just being simple and normal is already a great blessing..

Murphy's law...

2008-05-30T02:31:00.003+08:00

"Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way"

- Murphy's law

Trust me, I totally agree with the above.

You know, apart from having to juggle with things at home, my wisdom tooth is giving me problems again. Apparently it's pushing its way out, yet again.. But cos it's not fully out yet, I cant get it extracted. I wonder how many more episodes of toothache am I gonna get.. And this always take place when I'm under stress, or when my body undergoes hormonal changes.

AaaRRRGGHHHH!!

The child within..

2008-05-27T21:40:00.003+08:00

My evening was really pleasant. I met up with Angeline, my uni mate, and her little 'princess' really cheered me up!

Her little girl, Angela, was soooo cute! We satisfied the little princess' craving for Happy Meal, and walked around AMK hub for a short while. This little girl really touched my heart. A child who's truly innocent and happy.. This happiness is infectious. She really made my day!

It's just too bad I forgot to snap a picture with her.. I'll make sure i do it when I meet her the next time..

So so.. while we were shopping ard, we spot some really pretty stickers. So apart from buying 1 for the little princess, I got so attracted too, and bot a few..

So cute rite...!! Heee...

Random

2008-05-20T11:02:00.003+08:00

In a conversation with 1 of my ex today, it occurs to me that he thought I left him bcos of the way his way of life was then. This kinda shocked me. Not bcos that's how the way he's judging me, but the fact that there was no reflection on himself.. The blame of an ended relationship was shifted to me. Of cos, i may be wrong.. Maybe it's just a man's ego, he prefers not to disclose he admitting his mistakes. (Man here refers to all mankind, not gender wise.)

I'm not trying to dig into the dead past again.

I'm just a tad taken back, together with a couple other events that took place earlier, at generally how a human's behaviour changes dramatically at a turn of situation. Sometimes, all it takes is one incident, to change our impression of a best friend or even a family member..

It's human instinct to be defensive when we sense a threat. The way we defend ourselves differs from individual. Some choose to lie their way through. Some choose to insist they are right even if they realise they are wrong. While some chooses to escape. (Embarrassingly, I'm the escapist!)

So what i'm really trying to say is, everyone ard us is different. We just have to embrace this difference and not look too hard into the differences.. It's easy to point fingers and identify mistakes of others. The real challenge is to look into ourselves and come to terms with our own flaws and mistakes..

It is much easier to let things go, when u allow more love into your heart..

I believe that, this period of trial allows me the opportunity to learn to love the ppl ard me unconditionally.. Some relatives come to visit my mum and made tactless remarks like, "hang in there, mum wont be here for long..." etc etc..

I've gone beyond getting angry with them, but to learn to appreciate the effort for them to visit and spend some time with her.. Anger is pointless.

The break down episode (part 2)

2008-05-15T12:02:00.002+08:00

I've been crossing my fingers, days before mum's scan on Tuesday. We saw the specialist yesterday noon and literally got slapped in the face. I managed to remain composed, thou i felt murderous at that instance..

We head to TPY to meet my dad for lunch. It was our 1st meal out together as a family since mum's discharge.

Got home from lunch, I quickly prepared for mum's dinner. The plan was to head back to office after that. But I never did. When the door shut behind me in the room, i broke down and cried. Cried so hard I thought I'm gonna sink into depression again and never get back on my feet again.

2 consultants spoke to us, in my mum's presence. Tumours developed in 2 new locations, 1 has punctured through the nose cavity. Brain fluid is now leaking through mum's nose. Doc says, an infection can easily get through from there. Either that, or the fluid leaks till it dries up. Then mum slips into a coma. Both spells fatality.

So, we've been rejected flat. No operation is going to help with the situation. We're told to give up, told to just sit and watch her wilt away with time. Doc made me ask my mum on the spot, if she wants to do the operation. Mum waves no. But does she even understands us at this point in time?

The questions kept repeating in my head. Are we really selfish to insist on the operation if it's not my mum's will to? Is the doc really right? Is the op, the best for her, or the best for us?

Everything is a blur to me now.

The break down episode

2008-05-12T23:51:00.003+08:00

Mum has been unwell for coming 2 months already. The only time I wailed my eyes out, was the day she fell at home.. I knew I had to be strong, and somehow the strength naturally. Things are more manageable with this strength that kept me going.

Day after day, my sister's tummy got bigger. Baby is due to say hello to this world in early Sept. So the task of taking care of mum landed on my shoulders entirely.. When I see improvements in mum, i'd feel happy and able to focus on work. Any deterioration, i'd be kept awake the whole night..

Frankly, i'm lost for directions in life now. But somewhat, work kept me going. Much as i'm not focused, and actually reluctant to work at all, new accounts started coming in. How can we say no? So somehow, i'm jus pushing along.. Doing work for the sake of doing work, leaving my heart at home..

There were countless moments I felt alone. So alone, the silence around me is deafening.

Which is more scary? Having no one to talk to, or having no one understand you even after talking?

I'm feeling quite drained out since Saturday, after working till dawn.. Perhaps fatigue drained courage and strength from me.. Perhaps... Perhaps..

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-10T23:23:00.002+08:00

After dinner jus now, sis and I went to Thomson Road's flower nursery and bot mum some 2 pots of flowers.. This is 1 of them, and it comes with a very cute pot! Definitely much more meaningful than cut flowers.. :)

2008-05-10T08:57:00.002+08:00

Technically I've been working non-stop for 15 over hours, since 3pm yesterday afternoon.. Was rushing artwork in the office with austin, with client breathing our neck every other hour. And I meant through the night, till abt 4am..

It's 9am now, I'm fresh from my shower, ready to tuck into bed. Just thought I'd drop a line b4 I zonk out.

It has been 5 days since mum came home. And it's actually much more tiring than the previous 6 weeks when she was in the hospital. It was actually easier to get work done, cos I know mum's safe in the hands of all the docs and nurses there. The 1st night mum was home, I cant help but was awake through the night, checking on her every hour or so.. Occasionally, flashbacks of her fall will flood my mind. Any split moment I'm not watching, something COULD happen.. The paranoia killed me.

Then again, I've been learning to take every thing easy and manage every single problem systematically. Life is not that hard actually, though I'm quite tired physically.

These days I've been cooking lunch and dinner for my mum.. So to keep the patient interested in her food, I need to brain storm abt the things i'm cooking to keep the interest, so that she will finish her food. So I think eventually I'll be a much better cook! To date, I've experimented with cooking Bak Kut Teh, steam tofu with minced meat, steam fish, carrot potato and black peas soup, etc etc.. And pretty yummilicious congee with dried scallops. Hee...

I feel like a mother actually.. And I cant help but understood how much effort she puts in to raising this family. When I was young and mum was less ill, everyday there will be a pot of nutritious soup and steam fish on the dining table, with 1 other varying dish. It's so easy to take homecooked dinners for granted. But actually, it's real challenging you know! Mothers gotta keep changing and improving her culinary skills to keep the family interested, so that they come home for dinner..

Anyhoo.. it so happened that I'm sooo sooo strapped down with work this week too.. Plus the fact that I'm not getting quality sleep. I jus hope i'm not gonna fall sick again. Oh talking abt that, I realise that, e moment i stopped visiting the hospital, my flu and cough finally recovered fully. So now i'm quite sure that the hosp makes ppl sick. So patients really shouldn't be warded anytime longer than they should be.. Mum got home on monday, and i already realise she can move her feets better now. They were so stiff back in the hosp, i was so worried she wont be able to even stand on her own anymore...

My eyelids felt like they weigh a couple of kilos now. I cant keep my eyes open.. So till i'm free to update again..

Here's wishing all Mothers (and mother-t0-be!) a Happy Mother's Day.. Everyone pls treasure your loved ones and spend some quality time with mummy this Sunday..

And also, keep praying for the victims in Myanmar, while we engage ourselves in festive mood this weekend..

Visitor in the garden

2008-04-27T00:26:00.004+08:00

Look who i've got in my garden! It's a big fat tree lizard, ready to pound on a flying insect. I thought it was quite a nice sight.. Just too bad my camera ain't good enough to snap a better pic of it. The picture does not do it justice. This pretty lad has a bright gold skin that was glowing under the sun.. It moves rather swiftly too.

Though i'm never a fan of lizards, i thought this 1 looked great under the bright lights. It's the beauty of mother nature..

Apply iPhone..

2008-04-25T11:04:00.003+08:00

Chanced upon the news today, Apple will be releasing the 3G iPhone in June, later this year. And it so happened that dear Koobin was so generous to lend me his iPhone to try it out, so i'm gonna talk abt it a bit here..

Austin and I constantly talked abt it since last year.. We say, when iPhone is released in SG, we will go grab it, and hopefully by then, our little studio would have started making some bucks to allow us this luxury. I'd really love to have a phone that synchonises with my mac, since all the phones i've used, its software is not compatible with mac platforms.

So so.. the iPhone is one ultra sleek phone. There are also some nice features.. Eg. when u're browsing websites, all u have to do is jus turn ur phone, and the screen becomes landscape. Intelligent, ya? Ok maybe u guys would have already watched the iPhone's ads when they demonstrate all e functions. So i shall jus get to e things i hate abt iPhone.

Bcos it is a full touch screen, it's so hard to SMS when u cant feel the buttons. Also it's SMS function is by QWERT keyboard style, not keypad. Trust me, even without fat fingers, it's really hard to type a msg without clicking on e wrong alphabet. And there's no forward SMS function. SMS is getting on my nerves.

Camera function is very basic. Jus point n snap. Nothing to adjust e settings or whatsoever. I cant bluetooth e picture out, so i think without e cable u cant transfer it. U can choose to email it though.. So comparatively, i am glad my hardy SE k800i lived up to its name of a camera phone..

Talking abt tat, i've dropped my SE several times and it's still in tact and working pretty much fine.. I would dare drop the iPhone, since it's not mine, and also, i suspect it may not be able to withstand much shock. IT's too pretty to even withstand oily fingers or scratches. I find myself constantly polishing the touch screen cos i am simply anal abt fingerprints and grease..

So, it's day 2 of using the iPhone. I have already decided to jus use it as an iPod, and switch back to my SE..

My conclusion is, I'll prob get an iPod touch instead of the iPhone, and keep using my hardy SE till it drops dead on me.

Still.. Thanks Koobs! It's so generous of u to borrow me ur iPhone.. Muackss...!!

Disturbingly Delightful Desserts

2008-04-20T23:57:00.002+08:00

Need I say more? The title and pictures have expressed it all... Simply delicious..!

GOBI at The Central
6 Eu Tong Sen Street
01-27 The Central
Singapore 059817

Rantings (part 2)

2008-04-12T23:22:00.003+08:00

Thought i was gonna explode when i saw Austin's mms. Some bloody idiotic hiccup took place with regards to work. In short, i jus really wanna stab my client!!

(And its so bloody hateful.. I cant talk abt work anywhere online, else i risk getting sued my pants off! So tat's all for now..)

So it's always a chain reaction. This totally spoilt my day, as if it wasn't spoilt enough in e first place.. Today I woke up with a big headache, fever and flu. Had a rough night.. Tossed and turned in bed. My aunt wanted to check my forehead if i had a fever. It gave me a big shock and it really interrupted my sleep badly.

Suddenly i jus feel so choked up. Sitting at the table with dim lights.. Aunt sleeping behind me.. I feel like crying. There's a whole load of stuff weighing down on my chest and I feel suffocated. Yet i cant even let my emotions out..

I'm more tired than ever...

Rantings

2008-04-11T21:30:00.002+08:00

I'm really really really tired..

It's friday.. 16 days since mum's hospitalised. But i think the past 4 days are the most tiring so far. Normally when my sister n i take turns to be at the hospital for mum's lunch, we'll sneak away after she falls asleep to do our stuff.

My aunt arrived from Sydney on Tuesday. Sis drove her to hosp straight from the airport. I think my mum dont exactly recognise her anymore. Sad..

So our routine has sort of changed cos someone gotta keep her company at any point in time. So here's how e past 4 days went:

Tuesday
I arrived at hosp early. Sis ran errands then pick aunt from airport at 3pm then heads to hosp straight. We left at 8pm, had dinner then heads home.

Wednesday
Sis picks aunt and me from home at 1130am. We stayed in hosp all day. I left at 630pm to have dinner at June's grandma's place, then met elaine to pass her stuffs at grapevine. Got home at 1130pm.

Thursday
Part time maid came at 8am.
I went back to work at being missing for 2 weeks straight. Went for site survey at client's.. then heads to hospital again. Had dinner, then got home at 10pm.

Friday
Took cab to hosp with aunt in early morning. After mum had lunch, brot aunt to Great World, she had a short massage while i had coffee. Then we pack dinner for mum, heads back to hosp again. I got home at 9pm.

Now that I have a new account on hand to work on, i find it so hard to even try to do some work during mum's napping time.. And somehow it really wears me out..

Yes, i'm complaining. But it doesn't mean i don't appreciate her coming over. I really do.. Flying all e way here just to spend some time with my mum. Only people who really cares does this. But perhaps i'm just not used to having 'a mummy figure' at home. Since many years, i've not have someone nagging and breathing down my neck.. You know, e typical 'you must drink lots of water..', 'you must sleep early..'..

oh man.. the concern has become a form of stress to me. i need to breathe. Can someone pass me oxygen tank please??

Taking chances

2008-04-07T22:56:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, we just gotta take chances at the things that matter to us.

The decision for mum to go for the operation, is a big gamble for my family. Especially when the doctors aren't exactly keen on the operation, it can really be daunting on us. Doctors aren't wrong. Even if she does make it through this op without any complications or side effects, the tumours are going to recur in a really short time. Perhaps a failed surgery is like a demerit point on a doctor's record.. Even the top neurosurgeons weren't keen.

(When i meant they weren't keen, it doesn't mean they won't do it. Decision is left open to us. Just from their point of expertise, they would rather not..)

But can we, as family, jus leave her to wilt away? Sit by and wait for the tumour to grow and take a life away from us? We dont have the heart to let that happen.. No op means zero chance.

Perhaps the decision of going ahead with op is just a hope for miracle to happen again.. At the back of our heads, we just keep wishing the doctors are just being overly pessimistic. Maybe mum's willpower will allow her to tide through this ordeal yet again?

But i guess for better or worse, we just shouldn't deprive her the chance to live on, even if its jus 1%..

Things I wanna do..

2008-04-06T17:02:00.002+08:00

You know people say the things we often desire to do or to have, are those tat is hard to obtain.. Thus, at this point of time, my mind kept wondering off.. Kept wanting to do the funny funny stuffs.

I missed the last "Black Market".. Flea market at Dempsey Road's House.. So I really wanna go check it out. There bound to be some rare findings I cant resist to bag..

And there's the Big Bake Off

Any girlfriends wanna do the Big Bake Off together?? It sounds like so much fun..!! I can imagine us burning down our kitchens already. Hee...

Note of thanks

2008-04-05T17:55:00.003+08:00

While i accompany my mother on her final battle, I'm thankful for those who stood by me..

Be it u came by to spend some time with me, sending regards to my mum, visiting her, keeping my family and me in your daily prayers.. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

This road has been peaceful so far. I'm accepting everything that comes along the way.. Actually life is like tat isn't it? The more u resent and resist the obstacles, the harder they hit back at you.

Just go with the flow, with the laws of nature..
Embrace it..
Learn something out of it..
Make the best out of it..

It's not about lamenting about what u dont have, what u've lost or are going to lose.. but learning to see the beauty in everything, especially those unseen by others..

Thank you my besties for your unconditional love for me.. With you rooting for me, i'll only become stronger. I cant say enough "thank you", really.. This friendship mean as much to me, as my family to me. U're right there beside my heart..

The Pump Room

2008-03-26T01:12:00.004+08:00

Courage and Love

2008-03-24T23:54:00.005+08:00

"Courage is being afraid, but still go on anyway.."

Spoke to a girlfriend earlier on. I must say I've learnt a few important lessons from her.. She had problems with her marriage earlier on, and I'm glad things have worked out for her now. I believe it was her great attitude that tides her through..

I thought she was very courageous. Given the same situation, I know I would have taken the easier way out, just pack up and leave.. After all, wat's the use of hanging on to a broken relationship?

Then again, will i still say the same if there's a kid involve?

I cannot imagine, if i would still think e same way if i am married with children 1 day.. Apparently my friend has kids to think about, so she chose to keep working on the broken relationship, all in hope of giving her lovely children a complete family. I'm glad her prayers are answered, and things have took a turn and they are 1 happy family again..

Now that my sister's pregnant, with her sharing with me every detail during the different trimesters, the journey seem to amazing.. When the foetus is 1cm big only, there's already heartbeat. And slowly, the feet and fingers form. Life itself is really amazing.

Even watching my dear plants grow, it's amazing.. Keeping those plants in the office, actually taught me lots of things. It is easy to love them unconditionally, since they never talk back, never make any demands.. I greet them hello every time I see them, and thank them in my heart for beautifying the place. It's so much easier to love them, simply bcos they are so simply, unlike us human.. We're way too complex.

About Loss

2008-03-23T21:07:00.003+08:00

loss - (noun)

the fact or process of losing something or someone
the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value
the detriment or disadvantage resulting from losing
a person or thing that is badly missed when lost.

I've heard and said enough of the phrase 'you never know what you have till you lose it'. And I bet everyone else has.. I've always thought I knew this better than most people.

Since the start of the year, had been busy trying to make my partnership work out. Trying to get work going, etc.. The center of my life has became work work and more work. Long working hours kept me on the move. But i always make it a point to have 1 day left untouched to bring mum out. This has been the case for the past many many years. I've lost count.

Late last year, when my maid left, mum has been at home alone most of the time. The difference was that she's determined to be independent, so actually she was a happier person thou being left alone at home this period of time. Since the start of this year, my mum has fell down at home umpteen of times. Initially wanted her to learn that she really need help. But eventually e more she falls, it seems she's used to it. Not scared at all. She's indeed like a bull, refusing to succumb to reality.

Saturday morning at 6am, she fell down again. We didn't even think much about it since it has happened so many times.. And really, my family n i have done all possible. She chose to live life the hard way. We just gotta let her have her way.

Today I noticed some changes in my mum. Water was dripping from her nose and she didn't realise. It's not mucus for sure.

Years back when my cousin met with a serious car accident in KL, he came in SG for treatment. Neurosurgeon says tat's brain fluid. His skull was crushed from forehead down to skull. Thus brain fluid was flowing out, and when it runs dry, he dies. Thank God he survived.

So when fluid flows out of her nose, I know this spells some really bad news. My sis also checked her head. Found a small swell on her neck. I'm going to cross my fingers till I get to talk to her specialist tomorrow morning..

I felt my heart contracted. It's as if there's a big stone weighing it down. The heaviness in the heart.. I cant breathe right. It's hard to relax.

I guess no matter how 'mentally prepared' I think I am, I can never be really prepared to accept the harsh reality. I can just keep hoping nothing drastic happens, and pray very hard, and hope heaven hears my prayers and not let my mum suffer any more.. It's been so many years.. Countless of brain operations.. The deep scars left behind on different parts of her scalp and face.

Behind her tough facade, her stubbornness, her harsh words at times.. She is just a rather simple woman who lived her entire life serving her family, loving us in her way.

God, don't take her away from us so soon. She have yet to see and hold sister's baby..

Week's review

2008-03-23T03:05:00.004+08:00

Having insomnia again, so I thought I'd write something while I wait for the sleeping pill to take effect..

Happy Easter Sunday guys! (since it's past midnight already..)

Anyhoo.. Elaine and I had went on a shopping trip today! Been like the longest time since we've been shopping together.. Cant even remember when's the last time we've been shopping. I love shopping with Elaine! We just buy buy and buy and go nuts. Hahaa..

The damage for the day :
Pair of heels from J. West - $90++
T-shirt from Zara - $30
Pair of flip flops from Animal - $12
Lavendar shower gel + Peppermint foot spray from Bodyshop - $30++

Post picts of the victory when i'm free. Hurr..

And the frenzy has yet to end. I'm eyeing a Gucci bag online! Hmm.. *should i buy?*

New Addition (part 2)

2008-03-18T15:00:00.003+08:00

I got back to office today and found my new friend blooming already!!

Can u see? There's another 5-6 buds that's going to bloom.. It's just marvellous! :D

New Addition

2008-03-18T01:27:00.002+08:00

I've got new plants to line up by my window in the office.. Aren't they pretty?

I love watching those buds bloom into pretty flowers. With adequate water, fertilizer and lots of sunlight, I feel like a mother to my living friends! I watch them grow every day, made sure they're hydrated and free from pests..

I cant help but hope my business will bloom one day too.. :)

Power of Photoshop

2008-03-17T04:28:00.001+08:00

Why models have skin without pores.. and just never gets fat...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcFlxSlOKNI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFwFOH6h4lo

Purpose of Blog

2008-03-15T15:58:00.003+08:00

Firstly, would like to further emphasize my disclaimer. To me, my blog is a personal space, just like how my room is to me. It is my comfort zone. I like to pen all my thoughts. Once in a while I read back and reflect on the events of my life. I like to reminisce the good memories and beautiful moments I spend with those dear to my heart. I also like to pen those bitter, angry, evil thoughts in my head. It's like a form of release to me. And when I read back, I laugh at myself for being so petty and somehow I always learn something new out of it.

So actually, for those negative and emotional posts, those who do read my blog (I know its mostly my friends, and the occasional anonymous someone who chance upon this space..), dont take me too seriously, really. I am someone with a quick emotional fuse. And I let anger go as quick as it gets over me.

The past few days hasn't been too pleasant. In short, my train of thoughts and harsh words here has hurt some people, directly or indirectly. And it all began from me sharing my URL on a social network we all are too familiar with - Friendster.

So I'd like to state my point here, the root of the problem anyway..

I think it's a very subjective issue we're dealing with here. I stand by the fact that everyone has the right to do anything they deem is right. I have the right to write whatever I want, as long as it's not illegal. I am apologetic if any of my posts here has hurt anyone in any way. But back to square one, I believe I am free to pen my thoughts in any sense. So I really am not sorry for what I wrote.

Things really aren't complicated. It's like going shopping. If you think the goods u're looking at, are hedious looking and priced ridiculously, jolly well walk out of that store. I don't think CASE would handle any complains of luxury brands like Gucci or Prada being over-priced and start looking into their accounts, rite? Maybe this is not the best analogy to come up with.. But I suppose it's easy enough for anyone to get my point. Else u wouldn't come this far to read this anyway.

So my point really is this: No one can make everyone like them. I always have a problem getting along with females, and i'm not sure why. (Side track, so my dear girl friends, I really do treasure you! :D) There bound to be some people who will love you, and some who will just hate you.

I think life is really too short for me to try to make everyone like me. I cant be bothered anyway.. Cos those who will, just dont need a reason to.. Tat's what I call fate.

Once again, I apologise for any unpleasant experiences caused by my posts. You can now close your browser and I thank you for your time to read this posts. You can now get me out of your head and move on with life?

Stay chill.. Life is too short for anyone to be mad at anyone. Peace Out..

Random Jibberish

2008-03-11T00:24:00.002+08:00

Started my week with a long long visit to the hair salon.. Apart from doing my hair that was starting to look like hay, was discussing with my stylist about a potential job. After which I met the photographer I'm currently for a meeting.. Then heads to meet the babes for dinner at Raffles City.

Dinner was simply great. In fact so great that we attacked the food and forgot to take some pictures.. Hurr...

Other random jibberish as below..

Sometimes I try not to reply my SMSes too promptly to avoid appearing as if I'm very free. (Women.. *roll eyes*)
I've mastered the great art of sounding perfectly fresh and energetic at 9am in the morning. Even though my eyes are still shut, and me still lazing in bed under the comforter.. The price to pay is the pain of having to recall so hard what the conversation is about later on..
I have this bad habit of not explaining myself enough to people whom I'm not close to. Someone thought I was married when I first met them. Was attached tat time, so I thought what the hack.. And when I meet them again when I'm single, I cant be bothered to explain why I'm single.. So I jus let them think I am married anyway.. This sounds ridiculously bizarre...
People say men are actually very simple people. But when I feel I cant understand them, I wonder if it's me who's too complex, or simply men can be complex too? Or is it me who's simple, and met a complex men? Or maybe it's a complex me and a complex men? How confusing...

That's all folks.. Lights out!

Something to share..

2008-03-04T02:38:00.003+08:00

*photo credit : The Paper Studio

Came across this very endearing picture.. I thought I had to share with my lovely friends!

Isn't it so heartwarming? I kept wondering how amazing the feeling would be, to have deers coming up to greet you at your veranda..

Cat and deer were checking out each other.. Such a warm and fuzzy sight amidst the snow in background.. NICE!

New Toy!

2008-03-03T18:57:00.004+08:00

I got the new Apple Keyboard to use! Complimentary of Mr. Tan.. How nice rite... :D (1 of the rare moments. hur hurr..)

It's so damn slick isn't it? :)))))

Jibberish

2008-02-29T13:12:00.002+08:00

My mobile woke me up this morning when I'm deep in my sleep, indulging in my dream..

Plucked my eyes open, cleared my throat.. The call turned out to be some dumb credit card company phone spam. Damn it.

Next thing I know, I felt the stabbing pain in my heart. Again.
I dreamt of him, once again..

Dreamt that we're back together. Guess tat's wat dreams are all about. They are unreal. And in this case, I am jus visualizing something I really want, but it is impossible to happen anyway. Wait. There's a word for it. They call it "Fantasy".

Oh man.. trust me. I really hate it. This always happens when I'm stressed up.. Had at least 3 sleepless nights in the past week. My body is getting cranky. Even my period came twice a month! What's really going on...

ZZZzzzzzz......

I'm da Silly Goose..

2008-02-28T16:01:00.002+08:00

My Aussie client says she endorsed quotation and had faxed back to us. But we did not receive.

I told Austin to email client and cite fax number with country code, just in case..

When mail was CC to me, i almost fainted. Austin gave her a wrong fax number. Even on the set of quotation, the number is wrong.

I thought he was a blur cock..

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Until he replied me, "But I took the number from YOUR namecard..."

Yes, I've made a mistake on my own namecard.

You can imagine the amount of killer stares and abused hurled at me when he gets to office. Hur hur hur...

I'm da big big blur cock silly goose here...

Black Monday Random

2008-02-25T15:46:00.002+08:00

Perhaps I held too much hopes of having a great Monday. It turned out to be exceptionally sucky. So I spent the morning google-ing for a strong dose of positivity to kick start my day..

Sometimes I wonder when I can figure out the right formula to work with.. When I apply the same set of rules I apply to life, to my work, the effects are often bittersweet. Sometimes people appreciate my 'give and take'.. And when a situation occur, it becomes a weakness that vicious biz associates use against me.

Oh this world is such a stereotype.. I thought I could break away from office politics. Then again I'm still facing it when I am working on my own..

:: Other Random Stuffs.. ::

Do you have a secret desire? Come on, face it. Everyone has some things they secretly want to have or want to do..

I dont think I've told anyone this, but actually I've been secretly wanting to be able to dance ballet since I was a kid.

Now go imagine Claudia in the pretty pink, body hugging, ballerina dress.. Or whatever u call it. I hope u have had a good laugh.. :P

A very WRONG day.

2008-02-21T09:47:00.003+08:00

I had an earlier post that was posted when I got to office this morning at ard 730am. Shall summarize the the entire wrong day.. I should have already expected some big bomb will drop. The earlier events were more like a warning to me.

Last nite, left office @ 630pm to get a quick dinner with Austin at coffeeshop below office. We shut the roller shutter, assuming Austin has his set of keys.. We got locked out of office. We head back my place to get the spare keys. We got back at past 9pm.

Got home around midnight. I sort my finances out, realised I am in the reds. I begain having insomnia. My heart was racing, random thoughts were running in my head. I need to figure how to get 2K to settle my outstanding bills. At present I am down to my last 40 bucks.

So if i wanna get a loan from dad, the question is how much? Will it eventually become a vicious bad debts cycle? How do I break through this financial crisis?

Since I cant get to sleep, I got changed at 6am and heads to take a bus to office. A mad man was sitting adjacent to me, and it's the second time I bumped into him on bus service 58. Tat's not the best way to start a day.

Grabbed black coffee from coffeeshop, and I spilled some onto my suede bag.

After a series of unfortunate events, I received some sweet news from work. I made a good decision, and a new job came in. Though it's nothing great, but I need the money desperately. I thought i'm about to break away from the bad day.

False hopes.

Some really horrible event took place when I got back to office. Was caught between a lover's quarrel. Things got pretty nasty. I am bloody drained out. Am I'm grumpy - only 20% due to lack of sleep though.

I really hate that shitty relationship nonsense. Bloody hell grow up! And it really is childish to involve a third party. And I am bloody pissed off and upset.. And I really meant UPSET.

Her childish acts reminded me of some bastard's threat to me some time ago.. Self inflicted injury is not my cup of tea. I bloody hell dont succumb to this type of threat. If you wanna die, please die further away from me. If you wanna prove you have the guts, "mean what u say".. U jolly well cut yourself deeper and disappear from the face of earth. This world don't need parasites like you to waste our depleting resources.

I even feel it's a total waste of my time and breath to even have to entertain you. Especially this even not any shit i've created. But I had to fulfill the duty as a friend to a friend. If not, I seriously wont give a fuck about you pathetic, wallowing in self pity, arsehole..! And fat chance for this episode to repeat itself. I will not allow myself to babysit worthless idiots like such again. I swear.

Life is precious. Thousands are millions out there are battling against all kinda critical illnesses just to stay alive. My mum battled with brain tumours for over 20 years. Battled even harder when she got a stroke 8 years ago. And until today she prepares her own meals, she stay at home alone all day and insist to do light housework. She is stubborn like a bull, literally. But she showed me that's the way to live a life. Because of her proud character, she has never even once admitted her disability. She would tell my relatives in her slurred speech, "I CAN DO HOUSEWORK!"

I packed dinner home to eat with her today. I sat down to watch Animal Planet with her. I felt so guilty I cant do this more often with her. And while my back faces her, my tears had to roll.

People please count your blessings and not your misfortunes.

And even if you choose to live in a damn depressed way, please keep it to yourself and not infect the people ard u with your pathetic and cowardly stunts.

Jibberish (part 2)

2008-02-20T03:48:00.002+08:00

Someone whom I haven met for years, haven spoke for a while, called on me today.. Am not as affected as I thought I would be. Nevertheless I really just wanted to get this off my chest before I head to bed..

I guess bittersweet memories are addictive. Like black coffee.. Has a rich aroma but a bitter taste. Yet I cant stop my coffee addiction. I cant tell if it's because the caffeine keeps me awake, or that I really like how it taste.. Like those memories. There's no longer a need to find out what's real and what's not. Time has worked on it like a sift. What's left are those that's left an imprint in my heart, like scars left behind after a wound..

How do I leave them behind? Perhaps only time.. More time..

Heavenly Sin..

2008-02-17T21:46:00.002+08:00

Dessert @ Canele Chocolate Partissier, Raffles City..

It's rare for me to feel any dessert is too sinful. Trust me, the Nutellia Sweet Crepe (2nd pic) is almost too good to be true.. I really felt guilty piggin out. Came in a pretty generous portion. I recommend to share btw 2-3 if anyone intends to go try...

The strawberry tart is comparable to those I had in Switzerland.. It brought back nice memories of alfresco cafes in Europe.. Sweet! Go try it people...

Jibberish

2008-02-16T01:01:00.002+08:00

It was Valentine's Day earlier this week.. So I guess it's rather apt to talk about the issue of love.. I'm gonna sound very random. I'm not really sure what i wanna talk abt. In fact these days, I never really knew what i'm thinking anyway.

Recently there seem to be alot of happenings ard me that relates to the problems of relationships. Seriously, the problems of couples ard me freaks me out.

I realised I've forgotten how to love.. I thought tat's such a shame. Then I knew for sure, I'm unable to move on till I figure my way out again..

Today, I was hunting for flowers with Mr Austin Tan after lunch at Geylang. We went to 2 places at lavender, no luck. Florist told us it's the day after V day. He shot us a look that basically shouts us to us that we are being idiotic.. Anyhoo, I felt like a GPS navigator. I took my macbook out and yellowpages assisted me great time to track down all the other florist near us at that instant. I made several calls, and finally find 1 at Kitchener Road that has what Mr Tan wants to buy for his beloved.. That florist must have thought we looked like radishes. She asked for $90 for the bouquet. Need I go on further? Bye bye.

To be frank until this point of time i'm still nt sure what Im driving at.

After we got back to office.. some other things happened.. I received a call. It got me upset. And definitely it got me all upset all over again.

Just yesterday, before Mr Tan went for his date, he had to ask me randomly..
"So really no chance of getting back with the other Austin Tan?"

I shooed him out of the office immediately.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm sitting in front of my macbook at this hour.. Ranting away.. I didn't get more than 3 hrs of sleep last nite. (Tat's another story..) Maybe I'm just too tired. Cos my tears were flowing down randomly. Seriously. I'm not really sure why they started rolling. I asked myself if i haven got over.. I can answer myself perfectly well. I'm moved on. So now what?

Perhaps I just really missed the feeling of loving someone so hard..

Randomly from time to time, I'd get the burning urge to find the answers to the questions I had. I told myself, only 1 life. Live it. Will I have regrets if I never found the courage to ask?

Then the other side of me will debate, I should just leave things as it is and just fucking move on and stop dwelling on nonsense. I have alot of important things to do. My finances are seeing the reds. N i seriously meant.. the Reds. I'm in debts. That sucks. I need work for the company. And here I am ranting my old grandmother stories again and again like a broken tape recorder.

I'm not sure how long more will I take, really. I get tired from time to time.. I hate all the crying for nothing. I really do hate the weak side of me. It's bittersweet when the memories flood me from time to time. Actually I'm just living in my own dream. Oh man.. Please someone wake me up from this endless pursuit.. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my mind..

So what exactly is love? Why are some people in a relationship but they are constantly demanding the impossibles from each other? And if u already see the clash in character and mentality, day in day out u are complaining abt ur misery.. Why go on?

Does tat mean u're hanging on bcos of love? or actually its jus the fear of letting go?

And what are the reasons u will give your love up for? I never understood why anyone will let go of their love for money, even more so for religion.. I just wish I never find the answer to this anyway.. If I ever ever do this, my dear friends, those who actually bother to read on and read.. please jus kill me.. for I will no longer my I when that day comes..

What is the purpose of living when one lost their heart and soul?

How Now Brown Cow?

2008-02-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

Tonight, the uncertainties about my future is giving me a panic attack.

Our studio - Poised Media, shall be in operations officially as of tomorrow. It's like the cold harsh facts are hitting me in the face. Sounds damn late to realise this already.. I feel like the whole world is sitting by and watching us. I feel like I'm going to war without any ammo, without even a bullet-proof vest. Suddenly I feel I am not experienced enough to run this studio. Suddenly I blame myself for not working hard enough the previous years.

The more I know, the more I realise how little I know..

Austin always say, the people ard him are waiting to see him fail. Suddenly I feel the same pessimistic way too.. Especially after CNY. I hate it when relatives ask what I am doing now.. Cos if my answer differ from previous years, it appears like I am 'unstable'. I am giving myself this one chance. If I do fail, I leave without regrets and a whole bag of experience. I will then get a job in an agency, and find myself in the 9-5 Rat Race.

But there will always be someone who's ready to mock and give you that dirty look.. That 'I told you so..' look.. That 'you should have known better' tone of voice. Sometimes I really hate those 'annual relatives' - those u see once a year.. and think they actually know u at all.

So tomorrow is THE DAY. No more cutting the slack. No more wasteful spending. It's gonna be pure hardwork, blood and sweat.. We MUST make it. There's no room for failure.

My heart is actually racing while I type on..

My office...

2008-02-06T17:47:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone! It's Chinese New Year's eve.. Today I specially came back to the office, cos I worry my pretty plants will wilt if I dont give them water for the next 4 days..

I am very happy as they are growing so well! The pot of flower on e left is blooming for the second time already. Not sure what its call.. Just know its from holland n has furry leaves. Hurr.. And the pot of Narcissus on the right just started blooming yesterday.. How nice.. Keeping flowers remind me of the theory, u reap what u sow.. I let them have enough sunlight and water everyday and prune the overgrown leaves so the budding flowers have enough nutrients.. It's like taking care of a pregnant woman then I see the birth of the 'baby'.. Hee...

Here's a view of my workstation...
This is considered very neat already for my standard.. I like the natural light that shines in through our high window..

This is the view from my table.. Austin sits in front of me.. I stab him from the back from time to time. How convenient.. Lol..

This is Austin's little toy.. The childish side of him.
I am jealous. I will soon lug my toys into office too! Hmpff..

On my right is my bookcase.. Half the size of Austin's.. I guess u can guess personalities from the things we bring into our work environment. I have some reference books, a box of heels in case I need to run out to meet clients.. There's also bags too, rite next to the box of shoes..

And you can see for yourself the amount of food I stock up in the office.. Mostly fattening and sinful. Hur hur...

Alrights.. It's time to change and set off for reunion dinner at the airport.. update again tonight!

Update..

2008-01-28T02:37:00.000+08:00

My Sunday feels soooooo long.. I was already in the office by noon, and I only got home at 2am.. Here's how my day went..

I waited in office till my partners arrive at abt 130pm. Ivan & his wifey reaches first.. We chat at e lobby till Austin comes pluck us up to go have our lunch first before we start our meeting. We had lunch at Ubi Central. By the time we head back to start our meeting, it's already 3pm. Settled our internal issues, then Austin n I heads to Ikea to get the new bookshelf at past 6pm..

I wonder why we agree to paint our bookshelf black.. We got back to office only at 10pm. We unpacked, we gave the shelves a 1st coat of paint.. By the time we're abt done, it's about 1am.
After all e cleaning up, we did a bit of accounting and shifted the furnishes around.. I only got home at past 2am. I'm totally dead beat.

So tat was only coat 1 of the paint. We will have to continue working hard tomorrow evening..

So here's the major difference of working for an agency and starting something we call our own.. We sweat like crap and got down and dirty. The bookshelf cost only $45 compared to a finished and better quality one that cost more than $100. We hope by the time this lousy bookshelf falls apart, we would already be upgrading to a bigger studio..

I guess it really is about what we are looking for. It is so easy to get a comfortable job and settle into an office tat's already equipped with furniture, lighting and brand new stationaries... Jobs are also lined up and waiting for u to complete them. There's no worries of overheads and utilities that drains the life out of u even before ur business starts breaking even. So why are we making life so difficult for ourselves?

For me, it is the satisfaction at the end of the day. I know how much hard work it takes to build something u call ur own.. I'll never take anything for granted.. It's not the amount of money that u take home. (It's pathetic that is..) But the lessons I learn from the experience, whether we make it or break apart.. It's something I know if I dont give it a shot now, I will have regrets later on in life..

It's gonna be another long day tomorrow.. More painting and fixing.. Hopefully by CNY, our studio will be nicely done up with operations up and running.. We need new business!!

Women & Advertising

2008-01-26T18:39:00.000+08:00

Killer Cough

2008-01-22T14:06:00.000+08:00

I really dread getting fever. E moment fever hits me, I get cold spells at night. And the head feels like its gonna spilt.

I really dread getting cough too. Most of the time they last an entire month.. I ever broke my eye vessel cos was coughing too hard. Now it seems like I'm getting it at least once a year..

Now that i'm getting these 2 in a single combination.. U dont wanna imagine how crappy i feel..

Apparently poor junie and cindy are also sick! Gosh.. we mus really nurse ourselves back to health soon!! Take good care my dearies...

One Ad u will never see again..

2008-01-19T16:55:00.000+08:00

This ad for Pakistan Airlines is real. And in the history of advertising, it really takes the creepy cake. Even worse than babies endorsing cigarettes! Seriously, if Nostradamus ran an ad firm to warn the world about blowback, this would have been in his portfolio. It appeared in the March 19th, 1979 issue of Le Point (and surely countless other publications). Yes, the shadow is in pretty much in the same place as where the planes hit on September 11th, and there's no way the shadow should be that big unless it's seconds away from hitting the towers...but we don't think this should evoke any conspiracy theories. Right?

Credit: http://gothamist.com/2008/01/10/pakistan_airlin.php

Get Real.

2008-01-17T14:38:00.000+08:00

The past few nights has been pretty tormenting. While my body's worn out by 1 whole day of work, my mind just kept racing. All kinda funny thoughts and redundant worries start flooding my head. I've been thinking alot about how the direction the work partnership should steer..

I cant help but still question if its the right thing to do.

About being true to myself : I always held onto this principle tightly. Heck what the world thinks. At the end of the day, we live for ourselves. I just told elaine recently, we fight for the things we want and we give it our best shot at every chance. But what matters is not the victory at the end, but the process of fighting, we remain true to ourselves. We fight with pride and we lose in grace.

Today I kinda face this dilemma.. Through a friend's recommendation, I got a new job yesterday. So today was talking to this friend, she expressed expectation of commission.. And a whopping 20%.. And it was so conveniently she told me to just mark up my quote to include her fat comm..

Welcome to the real world, Claudia. Well dont get me wrong. I'm not saying this friend is wrong. If u look at it in another way, she gets the job and she sub-contract it out and take cut out. I need the job right now, i take it. Nothing under table here. The dilemma is when this is someone i call my friend.. Though we aren't exactly that close..

My client is always right. I will always say hello and handle everything with a smile. After all I am in the service line. Surely my paying clients dont deserve to share the load of my bad day. Clients are always clients. Even if i have to fake that smile, I will.

But precisely that's how it is when it comes to work, I refuse to succumb to being fake on a personal level. I don't share my joys and bitterness with clients. I do that with friends.

So half my mind is feeling sick.. while e other half battles on to take the job. I need this piece of cake for I am drained empty. We need to fuel our overheads and operations. So now what? Drop my integrity and fake my way to that fat pay cheque? After all integrity cant make my stomach full..

Yet i find this so hard to swallow..

Updates

2008-01-15T12:25:00.000+08:00

Has been some weeks since i've updated. Quite a lot of stuff to update and talk about.. I've been really busy with work and also helping my dad out a tiny bit.

1st Friday of 2008..
Met up with Osteen and Audrey to have dinner at The French Stall to have a belated birthday dinner for the tall-y Audrey.. The food was simply great. I really miss the french onion soup and the white wine mussels. I told elaine we shld go there on 1 of our girls' nite out..

2nd Wk of 2008..
I just realise i've been meeting up with my girly girls quite alot.. Last Tues I met elaine for dinner at HK cafe. Thursday I met Junie to lunch at Harbourfront, then Elaine at Clarke Quay to head home together..

Friday I met Junie for dinner and chillout at Grapevine. We had a long conversation, mainly about family and our perspectives on life. It felt really great..

Saturday, i went to BBQ. Junie organized it.. Her grandma, aunties and the lovely cousins were there. Ade and Elaine came along too. Yet again, it was another great night.. The company was fabulous! And the great food was a big fat bonus!

Then there was last night.. It was like the best girl's night out so far. I have Elaine, Junie, Cindy and the birthday babe Adeline.. An early celebration for her at Cafe Iguana.. It has been the longest time since we had a girls' nite together. There was so much to bitch about.. About work especially..

Realise all of us have embarked on the arduous journey to build our career. The start is never easy. Guess we are all still searching for the right path to take. Cindy said something so right tat night. She said, "Work and colleagues don't take care of you. Only friends and family do.." I totally agree.. Human relationship becomes complex when it comes to work.. And i credit that to the fact that it has something to do with money..

Anyhoo.. I just hope all goes smooth for us at work this year..

Best and Worst Moments...

2007-12-31T10:10:00.000+08:00

On the last day of 2007, i guess it is like e most apt time to do a recap of the best and worst moments of my life this year. Heck all the new year resolutions.. I suppose i didn't complete even half e list i set last year. So shall jus save e effort this year.. The biggest plan for 2008 is to have no plans at all.. Go with the flow...

I wanna save the best for last.. But i so realise all the bad events only took place in the later part of e year. So perhaps I'd jus recap e moments right from the start.

I remember on faithful 7th January, i woke up feeling like an entirely different person. I spent the entire night talking to myself, questioning the purpose of my life and i actually found alot of answers within myself. I began living a very different life.

For the first half of my year, i was busy preparing my sister's wedding.. I coped with assignments and freelance work. While she was unemployed then, we spent alot of time together..

Ard March, when Osteen quit his job, we began mugging together.. I guess that's when e friendship really started. Shortly Audrey joined us.. And when she quit her bank job too, it was like e best time ever. We had lots of teochew porridge, beer and wine.. Western food.. Geylang's Dou Jiang and Dim Sum.. Nice! I miss those days. We work and play hard.

My work was pretty smooth. I had a few good additions to my portfolio. Nothing really spectacular. Career wise it was a fruitful and bountiful year for me.

The mid of year was really nice. There was Clairr's wedding.. n shortly, Sister's wedding.. Then carry on with loads of mugging..

My dearest Junie finally returned from UK too.

One of the fruitful event this year has been the chance to work with prison inmates on some parts of the yellow ribbon project. It's regrettable I cannot contribute more time on that. But i sure wish I can be more involved next year. My best Christmas present this year is actually a handmade card sent to me by the inmates.. I really hope the boys that I've worked with will have an equally bright future as any of us. While working with them, i see the good in them. I see great potential and really we shldn't condemn anyone forever for 1 fault. We all make mistakes isn't it? We're just luckier to get away with it tat's all...

Anyhoo. Suddenly disasters began to strike. 3/4 of the year past.. Then suddenly Don passed away.. The biggest hit on me this year has to be his departure. I still kept questioning the possibilities of him taking his own life. We dont know each other for many many years. But our friendship and understanding for each other's passion for our work runs deep. He is the greatest loss I have this year. He made all other hiccups seem so small. I'm still trying to be strong and avoid thinking abt him at all.

Shortly after, i got my office space on October 8. Think its the next day or something.. I was hospitalised. Discovered i had a recurrence of the dreaded illness. But man i'm not defeated. I'm jus beginning to see the light..

It was just recently that Austin n I decided on the partnership, though we've worked on a project together on. We're taking a chance to try to make things work.. And hopefully this takes flight. I really hope I dont lose focus and keep going on track.

I guess this year has really made me grown quite a bit. Quite a few changes i see in myself, esp on perspective for life. I've certainly become more optimistic and stronger, though still not strong enough. But i know i will jus get better anyway. :)

What else can i ask for? I had a pretty pleasant 9 months.. And a rather disastrous 3 months. I've already gained more than i can lose! So I'm still thankful for everything this year..

Thank you to all my friends and family..

May all goes well for 2008 too! Farewell 2007...

I hope my family and friends all be well in 2008.. Most of us are heading on the track to building our career.. I foresee some pregnancy coming along next year.. Whatever we're working on, everyone pls do take great care of our health. Have a happy year ahead! See you 'next year'...

Reflections..

2007-12-24T00:35:00.000+08:00

The time for reflection and recollection has come.. The year is ending yet again. Time seems to zoom pass faster and faster as we grow up.

I remember as a child, Chinese New Year and Christmas always seemed special cos I had to wait such a long time all the time. As time goes by, we go, "It's Christmas again!".. And we start to talk abt what we did the last Christmas, and how near that day it seemed..

Tonight my dearies and I celebrated our 10 years anniversary together.. Our 10 years of friendship, our 10th Christmas together..

10 years is a very long time. Given how hard it is to get true friends these days.. We spent the past 10 years growing up together. Our teenage years.. Our arduous study journey.. Now some of us have embarked on the journey of career building..

Jee Khen made us a video for our anniversary. A compilation of the many birthdays, Chinese New years and Christmas we celebrated together.. We had so much memories together.

Suddenly when i look back, it occurred to me how precious each and everyone of you are to me. I admit each of us have our short comings. There bound to be something about each of us that we cannot stand. Sometimes we talk behind each other's back and complain about this and that.. Sometimes some of us gets so occupied with their own life we forgot to keep in touch. Sometimes we make mindless comments about each other and we hurt each other's feelings. Sometimes there's just this love hate relationship we have about each other..

But we made it, my dear.. We have remained close for the past 10 years. I've learnt, to maintain our friendship, it isn't about changing each other. It's about forgiving and forgetting.. It's about accommodating and compromising.. There's always this trust I have towards u. I know u guys are the ones who will not abandon me in rough times. We accept each other the way we are, we can be totally at ease in each other's company. We dont have to speak graciously when we had a bad day. We dont have to act decent when we simply dont feel like it. When I am with you guys, I can let my hair down and do ridiculous stuff. The world can think we are childish and we never grow up. But actually they are simply jealous..

I remember i used to give disapproving looks when the boys dont behave. Well yes I still do at times. Haha.. But i actually begin to appreciate u boys for not growing up. We have an entire lifetime to live up to the expectations of being 'adult'. I have began to realise how precious it is to remain childish. Actually it is the fact that I've realised it is my honour to know u guys can be urself when u're with me.. U dont have to pretend to be serious when u're not. So thank you boys..

These days, I really began to appreciate this circle of friendship even more. I have less and less time for you guys. Like this Christmas, I couldn't spare time to do the arrangements.. I really wanted to spend the time to pick a special gift for each of you. But i dont even have time to even write a card.. Moreover, the more people I meet, the more I realise how hard it is to even make real friends. 10 years.. it really is precious..

My dear friends.. Thank you for your company for the past 10 years. May we continue to support each other along the way of life.. For the next 10 years, 20 years, 30 years..

Have a very Merry Christmas. I love you guys..!!

Cursed Day

2007-12-17T16:27:00.000+08:00

It has been a really bad day. I haven felt this crappy in many weeks and even months.

One production screwed up this morning. Printer pulled a fast 1 on me. Printed vouchers and it came without serial number. As good as not printing anything. Now i have to compensate transport and get my own courier to deliver.. I guess my reputation has been tarnished to a good extend.

I'm totally exhausted. Like I've returned from the battlefield.

I love my Clique

2007-12-15T21:47:00.000+08:00

Thursday night, chick, rayner and I headed to the airport to pick Miss Elaine up at past midnight.. We finally got to Changi Village for supper after a really long drive. I credit that to taking a wrong turn along the expressway. Thanks Chick! (Now we know what a bad navigator he is.. :P)

So while we savour those air flown, super delicious egg tarts.. We were making plans to watch movie, plan for xmas party next week, and lots of random issues and definitely loads of lame jokes. It was such a bliss though I was actually bogged down with a big headache just before we made our way to airport. It was a good break away from work. I'm able to be myself totally.. No pretence.. No judgements.. I simply love them.

Accompanied Elaine to town to sign her contracts on Friday. Isn't it awesome? This babe got a job even before she graduates. Though the pay is tiny for the first 2 months of training, I know she will sail through and get that confirmed job at the Royal Bank of Scotland after that.. I dont care Elaine you have to give me a big treat after that first fat pay cheque!

So lunch on Friday was on me simply cos I still owe Elaine money. HAHA.. So actually no i didn't buy lunch. BUT.. I did buy dessert, which actually cost much more than lunch.. Hurr.. Junie manage to come join us for the sweet treat before she heads to dinner with her beloved. Hehe.. We never say no to desserts..

Even more random

2007-12-12T22:18:00.000+08:00

Life has always been like a roller coaster ride. Wat's new? The thing is I am taking forever to learn how to handle situations better.

My house now no longer has the privilege of a maid to help out with the chores and keeping mum company. It's just too bad my mum never know how to appreciate the things she have and make life hard for herself and everyone in the house. So now I gotta go out to work with half my mind left in the house.. And get home with piles of laundry waiting for me. But frankly, this is not any issue for me. The big issue is, when 'some people' makes life harder by conveniently leaving his laundry all over n hope his mental power will make dirty laundry clean... Good try there. I shall see how long it takes for IDIOTs to realise he needs to get things done for himself.

I wonder if its a leo thing, the elaine tat's far far away in HK is feeling horrid too. Well thankfully she'll be back tomorrow. I bet we'll have alot of catching up to do..

Random

2007-12-11T09:18:00.000+08:00

There are just some things, some people in our lives that we never give up upon. Much as i really wanna let go, simply ignore and be invisible in this house.. Much as i just wanna be numbed and selfish and just live life the way I want it to be, focus on my work 101% and give it my best shot at this point of my life..

Then i begin dreading the life i have no control on.

I really just wanna do the work I want and say no to those I cannot relate to. I am labeled overly idealistic to think this way.

When I wanna just ignore the madness at home, I'm selfish and irresponsible.

I dont need a bloody winning formula for life. But how do i live? Satisfy my highly demanding world or just drop it and lost it?

I LOVE DISCO!

2007-12-10T21:18:00.000+08:00

Totally dig this limited edition Absolut.. Are you in the party mode yet? :D

Updates

2007-12-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

I've been very very busy lately. Working 16 hrs for the past 3 days. I worked over the weekend as well.. I gave myself a break today, left e office at 230pm and went for my monthly pedicure. I fell asleep on the comfy couch..

These days I wake up pretty early and reaches office at 9 sharp. Finally Claudia broke the spell of keeping late nights and waking in afternoons..

Some pleasant changes took place for me at work.. Jobs have come knocking on my door and i feel very blessed and spoilt! I really hate turning any jobs down now, especially when things are picking up and there are possibilities of me going into partnership.. It's hard to say no, but I had to prioritize my time anyway..

It really was suppose to be a pretty happy day for me. Suddenly the unpleasant memories flooded me yet again.. It does daunt on me a bit, when I begin to see the future brighten up, I see success, fame, satisfaction, all on the way.. But I'd hate to reach there and find no one to share my joy with. I constantly tell myself I shall not lose myself in this pursuit.. Austin is right. He say i don't know how to numb myself. I need to learn better. Perhaps I need even more work.

I managed to squeeze in time for dinner with some of my uni mates, Clairr, Cholrin and Adeline.. Went to First Thai Restaurant at Purvis St. Great food! I must lug my dearies and gooses along to makan and destress..

Money money money..

2007-11-26T23:08:00.000+08:00

There's this love hate feeling for year end.. Mostly hate i guess. I just got my progress payment last week which was suppose to last me till end of this year.. And by today I'm left with 30% only!

Apart from paying my 'freelance programmer' (hur hur.. non other than the goose..).. There's insurance that cost more than 1K... There's paying my sister for loan earlier.. And today i committed to 6 months of gym. I better work damn hard to make more money!

I need to get e new imac really soon. My macbook is not powerful enough to handle large format artwork. I took a good 40 min trying to export 1 file into PDF format.. Before it's even done, 1 msn message came in and the programme crashed! Dammit..

And guess what? Upgrading the work system is going to cost about 3K. I totally sense the impact of inflation on me!

2007-11-25T16:28:00.000+08:00

I've been at the office since late morning today. The rain just passed and its a cloudy Sunday. The pain in my neck is killing me and I thought I'd get a massage after working hard for the past few days..

But my office area is a total ghost town on Sunday. I cant get a cab and was already running late. Daunted, i decided to just get back to office and continue work and forget abt the whole massage thing. Sheezz..

Office is completely empty today. And it's a good time to do some shifting and planning. I'll start painting it a bit after i get over my management assignment tat's due this Friday.. Maybe i'll work a little harder for now and pamper myself well tomorrow. Hmmm...

Culture Shock?

2007-11-21T23:06:00.000+08:00

I've been extremely sleepy recently. It's the raining season again.. Besides that, i'm experiencing the effects of my sudden change of diet. Been abstaining from caffeine and I'm actually getting withdrawal symptoms - tension headaches.

Dragged myself to Orchard earlier today to have my dinner and meet my sis to come home together. I'm shocked that I actually felt dissociated from town and actually experienced a culture shock. I wanted very much to blog abt it. But I guess it's too sensitive to blog about it. The idea is more about me feeling i dont fit into this community anymore..

Hmmm...

@ Random

2007-11-19T04:05:00.000+08:00

I've never been sure about my life. The things I wanna do, the life I wanna live. And it's starting to worry me a lot.

My ill discipline seems to be the culprit for everything. My sleep pattern is erratic. I need to stop taking caffeine. I need to watch my diet and complement it with my health and those dreaded medicine.. But I just kept forgetting..

I wonder when are my hormones gonna be back to normal. I've ballooned so much I cannot bear looking into the mirror. I'm hell of a water tank and askin me to drink less it jus seems impossible. I hate water retention.

I began to realise I've began to develop better learning attitude toward my studies and I owe it to work alot. Kinda regret why i didn't apply the same attitude I had for work on my studies. Perhaps I'd have done better and needn't repeat modules. Somehow the more I learn, the more I realise how little I know. And it's interesting to always stay curious..

Why is it do we only begin to change after something major happens in our life to change things? I only realise time is ticking away.. Life can be so unpredictable. We need to live life to the max. Yet what is living life to the max?

I feel like i'm floating around in the midst of the vast ocean. Studies to me now, is like a buoy that keeps me afloat while I figure out the direction I wanna set sail. Health complications is like an anchor that is strapped to my ankle and i struggle hard to keep afloat..

Today has been a pretty happy day for me, though it has been hectic. Yet it is annoying to be still awake at this hour.. zzz..

2007-11-17T01:11:00.000+08:00

These days I've been reading up a bit and trying to bond with my aloof girl bunny. Perhaps she needs to be neutered. These days she's a bit moody. I should bring it to vet soon..

Am not feeling too good tonight.. Perhaps its lack of sleep. I feel weird actually.

Am i lost? I think so..

In Loving Memory

2007-11-14T01:35:00.000+08:00

Baby Cocoa at 3 months old..

Baby Cocoa in my arms..

Cocoa at 2 yrs, 7 months. 1.7Kg.

Cocoa's last moments..

Today has been an ultimately bad day for me. But trust me. I'm numbed to bad days. Within the past 2 months, I've had enough blows to immune me from pain..

I met June for lunch this afternoon and heads to meet my heartbroken sister shortly after to have a massage and chill out.. It was suppose to be pretty relax day. I finished my assignment last nite so i decided i shall give myself a break after meeting this morning.

Sis says she promised mummy to have dinner at home. So we head straight home after massage. I discovered my hyperactive Cocoa bunny is sick and hardly moving. Delayed no further and i googled for the nearest vet tat is still open at 745pm. Thankfully a nice vet says they will keep open till 815pm instead 8pm. So i quickly packed Cocoa into the pet travel bag and dashed down.

He was hardly moving at all. Cant really feel anything when the vet did a pain test. Took 2 xrays.. There was no injury and he was of a healthy weight. He probably suffered a stroke.

The plan was to put him on a strong dose of antibiotics and that is to be repeated 12 hrs later. I was suppose to bring him there tmr at 10am. Now the game plan has changed. He shall be cremated at 11am tomorrow.

My dear Cocoa passed away quietly without struggle at abt 1040pm.

Cocoa was hyperactive was alive and he loved it when i pat him on his forehead. This smart little chap knows who's the boss. He bullies my maid and bites her at times. But ever since his spay operation he got less aggressive and has been a sweet buddy. He has left me with a permanent scar on my right index finger. I'll remember how hard his bite was. How an entire piece of skin almost came off. This bunny was full of character.

Bye bye Cocoa! I'm sorry i didn't spend enough time with u and never really give u enough of my love. I only gave u enough good food to make u a healthy and chubby bunny. I hope u've been happy and not blame me too much. I promise to take care of your girl companion and spend more time with her, now that she has lost you. All animals go to heaven isn't it? I wish u're better over there right now. I love you! Thank you for the happy times u've given me.

Lazy Monday

2007-11-13T02:58:00.000+08:00

Was feeling so down from the moment i touch down yesterday.. I went for a haircut at my stylist's.

I sorta regret it a bit cos it's a bit too short now and I think i look like a mushroom head.

It was a very lazy monday for me. All the sleep debt i've incurred over the weekend haven taken a toll on me and i slept in till very late. Lazed around till 4ish before i head over to ECP to mug. Thankfully it has been a very productive session for myself. I manage to finish up my assignment and handed it up on time.

Am very tired now.. Time to zonk out!

Story of the Day

2007-11-08T18:39:00.001+08:00

I hold a record today for sleeping in till 430pm. Clearly i'm making up for the sleep debts I've incurred. It's holiday today and mum went over to sister's place with the maid. I have kitchen all to myself..

I spent about a good hour heating up leftover soup, cooking instant noodles, frying a perfect sunny side up.. AND of course the 'star' was the Teriyaki chicken steak i was making. Most of the hour was spent making the marinade and seasoning my chicken fillet. Finally the pretty delicious and home made, not very amazing meal was done. This is my breakfast / lunch / early dinner..

Just before i started eating, Jack called and we had a chat. Some how when i told him i was cooking, it totally cracked him up. Jack says, 'why bother to make that when you can get frozen ones from the supermarket and they are simply delicious too..'

*Rolls eye* MEN...! Tsk.. So duh!

Jack and i don't really even talk much before Don left. And most of the time after, it's all about work, nothing overly personal. There's always this distance btw us that is just unexplainable. And today apparently the silence was cracked. And we actually had a very long conversation that was started by food. Hmm..

We spoke briefly about work, then i mentioned Don was a sucker for the cakes i make. And it all started from there. I worked directly under Don and recalled fondly when i assisted him on some shoots in the past.. The fate of those model wannabes lie very much in my hands. Make me hate them and they get extra poke marks on their face. Hur hur.. Don caught me playing around once when I super imposed 1 of the irritating faces into a pig's face. We had a good laugh at bimbotic, 'batteries not included' models.. I filled Jack with those stories while my tears actually accidentally dropped into the noodles i was cooking.

Jack told me about how they started their partnership, about how they were both apprentices to a master photographer in UK. Their friendship went back then. Suddenly I realise how much more pain Jack experiences from this loss. The face he saw more often than his own family members and wife. Suddenly it's just gone.. Still working at a work place that every little thing from the equipments down to the used coffee cups.. Everything lingers. While I am quietly moving on with the grief, I realise how much harder it is for Jack. It occurs to me I cannot bring Don back. But surely I can make the ppl who are still alive to feel better.

It was really much easier for either of us after this conversation. For men, it is harder to express their grief and pain.. N actually they tend to suffer more internally. Women on the other hand are more vocal. While i consistently spoke about Don, I got over faster. I guess Jack never had anyone to really talk to about the loss. He still had to be the one to manage the cremation and bringing the remains back from Vietnam.. Suddenly i realise the ppl around were too busy grieving the loss and neglected Jack who actually needed more support than anyone else.

I've learnt something about life today. Too much we were blinded by our own emotions, we neglect everything else. We wallow in self pity. We were so self centered. We only remember our pain and forgot we need to support each other on this journey of grief. We cannot bring the dead back or erase the pain. But we can make those who are alive feel better and not regret nt doing enough should they leave us suddenly too..

Cranky Granny

2007-11-06T14:34:00.000+08:00

I just feel cranky today n i'm not sure why..

One of those days, my head says, 'no one trips my wire! or u bear those shitty consequences..'

*Hmpff..*

Claudia is hell of a grumpy granny today. :(

Perhaps the load of medications are making me even more sick than before. I feel pain and nausea every night. At any point in time i can fall into a deep sleep. And now I'm getting the mood swings..

For the gooslings..

2007-11-06T14:09:00.000+08:00

Oh darling goose Audrey.. U got me upset almost too early! Hurr..

2007 hasn't been too kind to us isn't it? But u guys were the best thing that happened and make life seem pretty manageable. Seriously.. Sometimes Austin can be so much pain in the ass he really make the rest of ur life seem easier. Haha...

I believe we will still have our late dinners and drinks, maybe the swims become once in a blue moon event.. But it really is about how much we wanna be in touch. There's always MSN.. N we can always trick austin down to gardens to have Aston grill.. While we are always happy to chomp in the east.. Singapore's THAT small. Where do u think we can really hide?

Maybe we will be moving on with our lives.. Get a new job.. Maybe have a few kids? *looks over to Ost* Haha.. We will have new tales to share. Its the beginning of yet another new life. I cant wait for that to happen.. :)

Laughter - The best medicine

2007-11-05T01:14:00.001+08:00

I was feeling a little bitter tonight, until i browsed through my mobile gallery and burst out laughing.

stupid austin always bully us. but he nv fail to crack us up. this is jus 1 of the evidence of him abusing us..

i miss days when we had classes at starhub centre.. esp those late nights dinner at all corners of the island..

Food for thought

2007-11-03T12:05:00.000+08:00

Something hilarious to share..

While making toast for breakfast, mummy got very excited. She came out of the room and say i sneaked out last night without telling her, but in fact i did. Just that she forgot. I told dad i'm going to have dinner with my friends nearby.. Dunno how dad interpreted it as my bf came to pick me up. It's so funny..

I bet my parents are getting sick of me and wanna marry me off soon.. But too bad!! They still gotta face me for the next many many years.. Hur hurr...

2007-10-30T13:07:00.000+08:00

I am so bloody mad! A series of unfortunate events.. It always happen to me! Pissed off..

2007-10-29T00:58:00.000+08:00

The past few days has been pretty crazy for me. Had classes and needed to prepare for presentation.. I was fighting against time literally.

There was so much research to do but i am just so zapped of energy. I could have gone straight home after noon classes but i chose to stay out to hang out and spend time with my friends.. I actually worry abt not spending enough time with friends cos i'm afraid after this weekend things will get even more busy for me and i wont be able to manage my time well enough.

So finally sch is over and i thought i'm gonna have a very good time with my buddies tmr nite. The plan was to catch a movie and dinner together. We got wind of an unfortunate piece of news at 2am. We probably need to head to a funeral wake instead.

My dear friends.. I wanted to take e opportunity to break some news to u guys too. But i'll save mine till slightly later. Our dear sister needs us to be there and support her through this rough patch. Life is like a series of unfortunate events. We need to be stronger than life to withstand the rough waves and emerge more brilliant than before.

I just have to emphasize again I'm am so drained out cos I'm so weak these days a flu can totally zap half my life away.

I'll soon upload some works of my dear friend, Don. Fondly remembering the trigger-happy days in the studio where we'd grab cameras n snap each other.. I miss this dear friend real bad and i'm working hard to complete his last project on his behalf..

Tonight before i head to head to bed for the 2nd time of the day, I wish all be safe and sound in their sleep. Everybody please do take care and be healthy.

Something to Share...

2007-10-25T09:14:00.000+08:00

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.
A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, 'Public Utilities Board.' There was silence. She repeated, 'PUB.' There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard a lady's voice, 'Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my Husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is.'

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just 'hello' instead of 'PUB'.

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, 'Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?'
The father-in-law answered in a smile, 'Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you.'

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested 'I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one.' The SDU officer said, 'Your requirements, please.' 'Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' The officer listened carefully and replied, 'I understand you need television.'

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up a nd discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that 'It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character.'

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that 'A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation.' Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other, we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, 'Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school.' On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, 'Luckily you married me. Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker.' She answered,'You should appreciate that you married me. Other wise, he will be the millionaire and not you.'

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home, a boy commented, 'Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey? 'Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, 'The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?' Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, 'How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman.'
The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, 'Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you.' Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a nar row bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, 'Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck.' Then he asked, 'but when are my fingers going to grow back?' The father went home & committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Good Life starts only when you stop wanting a better One'

'Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away'

Peek-A-Boo!

2007-10-21T15:30:00.000+08:00

Here's a little peek at my not very decorated personal workstation.. There's still a meeting room which is behind my sitting area. But it's a surprise till i'm done with the decor..

So my personal workspace.. Not exactly 'designer' or 'studio' looking.. but it functions well. On the left of my sitting space is an entire stretch of built-in storage. Great for me to hide junk.. Generally it is still very bare. But I'll dress it up pretty very soon...

2007-10-13T21:51:00.000+08:00

I'm finally feeling better.. after 1 tormented week, im finally about to eat my favourite food again.

Since the stiff neck episode on friday, i was actually hospitalised on sunday morning cos of the extreme pain. While docs say i tore a back muscle, the pain actually persisted while i was warded. So i brought in my dentist and verified all the pain was cause of an infection from the wisdom teeth that were popping out. The infection actually spread to my right eye, right ear and down the shoulder area..

I swear i've never had so much physical pain in my life. Not even the 2 times previously when i had to do root canals.. Or even when i bleed so much from the bike accident.. This pain is so intolerable, not even pain killer helped a single bit. I literally cried for 3 nights straight..

Up till today, the pain is still there, but actually today finally i felt 1 tiny bit better.. After living on liquid diet for the past week, i had zi char after class tonight! Though the bee hoon tasted like rubber bands, the fact that i can put solid food into my mouth and chew slowly was jus amazing. I've yet to mention the sambal chilli stingray and kang kong.. hehee...

Rantings

2007-10-05T19:03:00.001+08:00

I finally had my long desired hair cut yesterday. Chopped off the back part. Lower part is shaved down, while the top section is left longer to cover down. I feel so 'light-headed' now. Hee...

This morning I woke up with a horrible stiff neck. I left the house at 830am to mug. Muddle-headed Claudia forgot she gotta bring mom to the docs at noon for therapy. So i head home soon after. At the hospital, I decided I shall get my neck treated as well. Not sure if it's the right choice, but i came out with a neck wrap. Docs applied this medicated gel plaster to sooth the pain then wrapped it with surgical cover sheet.

I look like I've got diapers stuck on my neck!

That's it.. I thought i could just head home straight. But mom made me bring her to buy groceries. So I paraded myself at Junction 8 and I wish the earth would just swallow me.. *bleah~!*

Conclusion

2007-10-05T18:47:00.000+08:00

I figured it's time to make a conclusion to my dear Don.. So I decided to write out my last words for him and move on from here..

"If there's a chance for me to get my last words to you, I'll let you know your advise to me has been priceless and you made a whole lot of difference in my life. Knowing you were depressed in the last days of your life made me wonder if I could have done a little more as a friend to help you get over. But I guess everything happens for a reason and when the time comes, there's no escape to death. I will try to accept death, and to embrace the pain and burn it as fuel for my journey of life.

I am moving on with you in my heart. I take with me your strength and your passion for life, as I continue to make out my purpose of existence. I know you've finally found peace. Till i find mine, farewell my dear friend."

A whole lot of grief and anger

2007-10-02T00:27:00.001+08:00

It's already Tuesday. It's hard to take my mind off the loss of my dear friend. When night time approaches, when the silence of the night consumes me.. The hours just crawls by. Insomnia just makes things worse. Gosh...

I feel like just having a verbal diarrhea and just pour my thoughts out cos i feel there is so much suppressed emotions that i just need to let out. Apart from grief, I actually feel pissed off and disturbed.

I lost a friend who was so close to my heart. His body is now in Vietnam and his business partner cannot locate his mother who is in Australia. And without any family consent, it makes it hard to bring decide what to do with the body, and even harder to bring it back home here. While time ticks by, I cant help but kept wondering what is going to happen. Are the facilities there good enough to preserve his body?

This friend and I had were talking the night before his departure. This friend called me moments before he passed on. We had an unfinished conversation. We had an arranged meeting when he returns. Now all these thoughts just kept circling my damn head every single night. This friend is as close to my heart as ppl i call my 'buddies' - elaine, june, raymond, etc.. or my 'dearie' austin n audrey..

Got the news on saturday night 1130pm. Shortly after my 2 dearies made their way down to watch me cry and made me laugh at lame jokes and brought me out for supper after that. Though i still end up staying awake the entire night and watch the sky lights up, the night was so much easier to bear. Sunday was a drag while i walk in circles in my room and rot my day away. I just continue to rot till i was suppose to head to bed. The night was horrendous cos i cant stop hallucinating and hoping the phone will ring and someone tells me it was just a sick joke.

I screwed my Monday morning by sleeping in till 1pm.

So the pissed off part.
I feel pissed off because some people just dont understand what my grief and loss is about and shrugs me off and conveniently changes our conversation topic. Is it just because they just simply have no idea how close this friend is? I'd really like to tell myself 'Look! U're over-reacting and stop that and get real!'. Am i really over-reacting?

Or is it simply because maybe I am not the best best best best friend of them, so they just cant be bothered...?

I really really wonder...

This world makes me feel sick when i see ppl who literally work their ass off and ignore the rest of the world outside work. They lost their soul in between the stacks of reports and proposals.. and they thought they found themselves and their goals of life, only to realise they won the whole world but lost themselves.

People.. We should control our work and not let work control us! Stop saying u r too busy to be home for dinner.. Stop saying u r too tired to spend time with ur friends, family and loved ones.. Stop giving excuses! Seize every single opportunity to spend quality time with those u love and stop saying u regret not spending enough time or giving enough attention to those ard u but not making any effort to do anything. Do ever wait till u collect a bagful of regrets then think why u didn't realise it earlier...

Grief..

2007-09-30T20:51:00.000+08:00

I have alot of mixed feelings in my head right now. I've been walking around my room the entire day, doing anything other than my assignments. A part of me escapes from the reality, refusing to accept the truth. But as and when the tears jus starts flowing.. A split sec i feel like talking to someone about it. But actually i'm nt sure what to say..

I hate to feel so crushed by emotions yet again. How do i manage grief n regret? No matter how much i accept death as a part of life, when it happens, its just so hard to embrace it.

2007-09-30T02:55:00.000+08:00

It is upsetting enough to receive news of death. Tonight, i had to receive news of the death of a very dear friend and the best boss one ever can have.. Don Tan.

I'm overwhelmed with grief. Don left me at missed call at 930am last morning. We just spoke the night before about my dilemma with starting my studio. He told me to go ahead and be courageous. He said Courage is being afraid but still going on anyhow. Memories kept repeating itself in my head like a broken video tape. He has been a great friend and mentor. We are always too caught up with our life we don't usually have the luxury of time to meet till recently.

So far i only know it was sudden cardiac death.

There are so much i wish i can say..

Dilemma

2007-09-27T04:08:00.000+08:00

I realise how bad i am at making decisions. All the way from deciding what to eat, to which course to study, to which man to fall in love with and which not to... I've proven to take wrong steps that led to disastrous outcomes. Eventually it becomes a vicious cycle of being afraid to choose because I'm afraid to fail or fall..

(Before I go on, WARNING: This is going to be a long long post..)

The dilemma I face in life right now, is the big decision to start my studio or not. I started with big ambitions, big dreams and high hopes.. To now, the weary and doubtful and a little skeptical. I thought I knew what I wanted, but actually Claudia never knew what she wanted for life at all. I just go with the flow so often that I dont really know who I am and what is the purpose of my existence.

Having been a freelance for some years, I always feel thankful and know that I am plain lucky to have work coming in on and off, despite the fact that I dont even have to make any cold calls. Work just somehow found it's way to my doorstep. So I began having thoughts of starting my own company with sis, hoping to tap into her contacts since she's already established in marketing.. and we have a little something call my own 1 day.

So suddenly the next step actually took place on its own, that's when we have an office space at a pretty ideal location, presented in front of us. My dad bought an office space and is going to partition out a loft to rent out. We thought it'll be great if we take it and make something out of it. At the same time Austin had plans for his business, we see the opportunity that either we can collaborate or support each other's business. At the same time we'll be able to cut our costs when we share resources.. Everything sounds feasible and ideal..

But I'm not dreaming about all this. I know it is going to take lots and lots of hard work to get this going. And the moment I need to get a business plan done up, I began worrying.. Issues like accounts management, financing, office rental and utilities and overheads.. The bills are going to start ticking the moment we move in. Are we able to cover theses overheads in the first month? And the subsequent months? Where do I see ourselves in 3 years? I need to know these answers for sure, have a direction clearly, before I can embark on this.

While Austin has been quite encouraging along the way, telling me what I need to get done, advising me to set my direction right and get the business plan done up.. I see that we have a similar direction to head together. And I'm glad he is pragmatic enough to constantly criticise whatever he senses is wrong and then I'd assess and try to get back on track.

Today I met another friend of mine, and he is also another very pragmatic guy. He set up his business when he was 25 and eventually it did not work out and it folded. Now he is telling me the hard facts of the industry and offering me another set of advise. Frankly I do agree with him when he says if I was doing fine as a freelancer, there's no reason to set up a company. There are simply too many things to do and cater for and at the end of it, the profits are being split by me and my partner(s). Competition is stiff out there and there are thousands of the same company already out there. What do I have to compete with them? Then I thought, it's quite true since I do not have much working experience. I've been freelancing and a one-man team all along. I have limited resources and as a small company, the projects we do are also small. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? The answer is No. I am not a money driven person. But I am hungry for fame. I always thought, it only takes 1 good work to win an award and things will start pouring in from there. But as a small company am I able to wait till the opportunity comes? His point is that by joining a good agency now, by the time I'm 30, I'd be a creative director already, drawing a 7-8K pay with no stress of covering overheads and utilities. I can still freelance or invest in other business while I hold a full-time job. Why do I want to stress myself out?

I was walking along Orchard Road after our conversation and I was giving it a good thought, should I heed his advise? Should I join an agency first, learn how a good studio functions, then start this at a later stage? My sister is currently recuperating from operation as well. It may take her some time. Maybe I finish my studies first then take a look later then see how? As I walked along, I reached the train station and I got back to Bishan where I sat down and wrote my sister a long mail about what I was thinking.

Shortly, Austin called. And he heads over to pick me up.

So I told Austin what this friend says.. And again, Austin gave me another set of advise.. Standing firm to his believes, and the fact that we are both jobless and pennyless.. Hurr..

"If not now, then when?"

This is the time we got nothing to lose. All I need to do is to set a direction and just move on. Then the conversation somehow led elsewhere..

But I never stopped thinking about this.. Cos somehow i need to sort this out within myself. I feel quite useless to know I dont even know where I'm coming from and what my stand is. With such indecisiveness, can I succeed? I used to thought it's all about how much you want to succeed. So how much do I want this? Do I want it bad enough to make it happen and not fail? I'm really very unsure. Cause it is also true to what Austin says..

We all have different commitments at different stages of our lives. I know when it comes to starting a business, the more you shelf it, the more impossible it will happen. There will just be endless excuses. There will always be something more important. So I gotta decide and weigh it out for myself what is it that I really want without losing myself..

I know for sure I do not want to let work control my life. So having my own studio I control my workflow and I decide what jobs I want to do. And again the cycle begins. Are things really as easy as I think?

I'm beginning to feel dizzy.

DAMN FUNNY!!

2007-09-25T02:57:00.000+08:00

This one really crack me up big time.. I was laughing my ass off literally at 3am in the morning..

To request for extension for assignments, we need to write to our lecturers about it to get official approval. While Audrey n I already got ours, Austin kept wondering why lecturer is ignoring him..

It turns out our dear Austin sent email to ... @PIGPOND.com.au.. instead of BIGPOND.. i just cannot stop laughing...

Something Funny

2007-09-24T02:51:00.000+08:00

I was at MacDonalds. Left the long seat i was at to head outside for a phone call. While i watch my stuffs from glass panel in a distance, the fat man sitting 2 seats away happily helped himself to my limeade.

When I head back to my seat, fat man realise he reached for the wrong cup of drink and was so embarrassed that he left hurriedly after saying 'sorry sorry'.. :P

2007-09-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

I only have 3 mins to update my blog today...

Suddenly i'm so so so caught up with work.. The pressure is ever more intense, yet there's this excitement tat accompanies it. My studio space will be ready in 3 weeks from now.. n it never daunts on me until i gave it a serious thought..

From e moment it's ready, i'll have to be liable for the utilities and that's when bills start ticking non stop! I need to get paper work done.. my proposal and collaterals.. Hope to get business really soon to cover the first set of bills and hope it wont drown me completely from there..

I'm working out the possibilities of collaborations, but shall keep this under wraps for the time being till things are concrete.. Till then i have to get an office system going all the way down to things like labeling work files in a certain system and establishing new accounts...

Adrenaline is rushing.. i feel my dream is coming true and this is the time to put in the 101% of hard work to make sure things work! ;)