Tuesday, January 09, 2007
It was yet another sleepless night. This time it was due to the mocha i had in night class. But i guess it was quite a fruitful session, talking to myself about myself. No i haven gone mad. It was almost like a journey of self discovery. I feel awaken spiritually and emotionally.
Some issues i've tackled..
about :: Generosity ::
I'm not too sure how i come abt this. But i realise generosity isn't about rewarding yourself after working hard.. isn't abt giving treats to ur family and friends.. It's about giving 101% of yourself when someone needs u. I dont feel i lack this factor cos when it comes to the people ard me, i hope u do feel i really do whatever that i can when anyone needs any help. But sometimes i just lack the motivation to be generous to myself. In this aspect i mean i should learn to let go n embrace a happier me...
about :: Letting Go ::
Somehow i found the energy and courage to tell myself it is time to let go. I learn to be thankful for the chance to get to know the people who came into my life, instead of lamenting about their departure. This not only applies to love, but friendship too.
The process of falling for that someone was long and tedious. Perhaps we just weren't meant to be, but God decided to reward me for doing so much and waited so patiently, he decided to spark things up and give us a chance. I was already rewarded once. Things didn't work out bcos it jus wasn't meant to be. I should look forward to the chance to see him again and tell him i am thankful i ever had him in my life to walk through the toughest part of life instead of trying to get back to a relationship tat has already proven not to work. So now i look forward to the day i mug up enough courage to return his clothes and tell him i've let go, moved on, but still wanna be his friend.. Friendship is so precious isn't it?
Similarly for Andreas.. hope u're reading this. I guess to u all this will perhaps be bullshit. n it will remain jus words until the day u make sense of them urself. Perhaps to the eyes of my friends, i did not do wrong n have already did a great part by letting u stay at my place long enough. But i know i did u a big wrong and perhaps even betrayed u emotionally cos throughout u know i just couldn't let my past baggage down. I am sorry for this.. But really there isn't fair or not fair.. cos u haven been entirely honest.. and we just couldn't get along isn't it? Instead of staying together and quarrel every other day, isn't it better to be able to still meet once in a while n talk nice n politely to each other about how we're getting on.. I just hope u're getting on well.
The departure of a friend last year was pretty shocking to me cos it occures to me 1 day should someone dear to me (like my parent) leaves me.. how am i gonna be able to comprehand the loss? I know given my nature, i won't be able to take a sudden loss. So i try to prepare myself emotionally n spiritually.. It is not the amount of time we have together that matters, but to treasure each other's presence while we have each other. When we finish our duty here, we all move on to another place.. For better or worse, lets embrace the presence and stop worrying about the unknown future..
about :: Religion ::
I believe no matter wat religion we choose to adopt, all religion's teachings are great. The similarity btw all religion is we all pray to our respective Gods for peace in the heart.. wellness for our family and loved ones.. We pray for spiritual support when we feel we are breaking down. Sometimes we feel our prayers are not answered. But at times after a period of time we look back, we realise somehow God do have a plan for us. Like the story about the man walking along the beach and discovering only 1 set of footprints in the sand.. Believe God walks through with us and we're never alone..
I've been trying to eat less meat, pray and chant every night before i sleep.. n i feel more spiritually empowered to get on with life as a better person. Perhaps not for everyone, but guess its my nature, sometimes i insist i'm always right. When i think i'm right its pretty hard to change my mindset. But recently i feel there are so many things wrong about me. I'm not trying to be a perfectionist n definitely not trying to be a saint. But i identify it is our duty to correct our bad habits once we identify it. We should learn to let go of our past and keep motivating ourselves to be better people.. be it to return the favour to our parents or just for ourselves.. we just should. isn't it?
Today though the weather is wet and can be depressing, i seem to feel lighter and more at ease.. I feel i'm getting happier and living a more fulfilled life day after day.