Wednesday, September 05, 2007
it's been the uncountable night i've been having insomnia. normally i jus lay in bed, think abt wat happened in the day, then slowly fall asleep.. tonight i decided to get out of bed bcos somehow my mind drifted to alot of sad memories and i know i had to run away...
i was very upset last night. so upset that i wrote my sister an email. i couldn't think of anyone else to share it with. she shared with me in her reply something which i felt is very enlightening. so i decided to cut and paste parts of it here to share..
"... someone told me, a person's character in this lifetime is determined by how many times the person has been reborne. For example, if a person is calm, good-tempered, & at peace with the world, then this person has been reborn many times. Likewise, a person who is bad-tempered, not at peace with himself n the world, has prob just started his life journey in this world..."
"... The book talked about an interesting theory from the medicine man in Bali. He said one of his meditations takes him "to up". This meditation takes him seven places in universe. Up and up. Last place he goes to is heaven. So the writer ask him what heaven is like. He says everything there is beautiful, everything is love there. Then he says he knows another meditation - "to down", which means is to go to hell. So the writer ask him what hell is like. Surprisingly, he said hell is the same as heaven.
He explained that the universe is actually a circle. It doesn't matter if u end up in heaven or hell, all are the same. The difference is how to reach there. To go heaven, u go thro 7 happy places. Whereas to go hell, u go thro 7 sad places. So it is better to go up than to go down.
I guess it is our own choice if we want to go up or go down. One thing I can derive is that when u move up a level, everything in the world looks smaller, n so does the problems which seemed big in the first place. If u choose to go down, then small problems just magnify into bigger problems as u travel down.
So next time u feel vexed over all these problems, try lifting urself up and see it from a higher level, you'd be happier..."
I felt alot happier after this mail and cant help but thank God for giving me wonderful parents and sister.. life is fair after all. i have an incorrigible brother, but this is made up with 3 other great persons in my life.. in fact i've received more than wat's fair. life is abt counting our blessings and not harping over the misfortunes.
I'm not sure why but while i lay in bed jus now, some of those that i had special relationships with came into my mind. while i reflect upon my actions, i felt upset and ashamed of myself. in particular there was someone who was very nice to me.. but somehow fate took a toll on us. on 2 occasions, i chose to give him up for someone else.. both relationships failed me miserably. i only realise i let the one who was best for me leave. this wonderful man got married 2 years ago. obviously he deserve someone better..
i'm not sure why this came into my mind. cos that happened abt 3 years ago and i haven heard from him for 2 years already.. wat crossed my mind was how foolish i was, how naive i was.. i knew he was a better choice. if u ask me now, i can no longer remember why i didn't realise it better. instead i began to question if any of my past relationships was real. somewhat everything seem so surreal to me, as if they were jus a very very long dream..
suddenly my reality revolves around school and work.. i probably did more work in the past half a year than my entire life previously. suddenly my heart feels numb as if i've used up all the love possible. suddenly i know for sure i can no longer be depressed again.. maybe i'll go insane one day, but not depressed again.
the road that lies ahead has so much to see and learn. i'm still looking for the ultimate aim in life..
suddenly i see myself walking down this road alone. perhaps.. actually.. maybe.. ... ...