Choked?

I feel so choked up today. No apparent reasons. I'm really numbed and emotionally drained.

I cant really decifer if i'm recovering or not. 1 thing for sure is only i can help myself. had i been helping myself? how come i cant really tell?

months after months, been seeing the docs. i feel i cant communicate effectively with them. doc says i'm getting better. am i? perhaps when i'm finally willing to blog means i'm slightly better. i hope so.

why do some very simple stuffs of life seems exceptionally complicated this time? the typical route of a singaporean - you get ur 'o' levels, then u choose JC or Poly. then u choose local or overseas uni. Simple.

i know tat's not a route i wanna take. i refused to be stereotypical yet i cant make up my mind which "other" route i wanna take. then i find myself all tangled up n stuck at 1 point. so now i need to spend time entangling myself, then move on. so now can i jus spend all my time entangling n only think of where i'm heading or should i already know where to go then head straight once i'm untangled? do anyone even know wat i'm talking abt?

why is this process of untangling so lonely? why is everyone so "physical"? cant anyone cares enough to step in n jus check out if i'm really ok instead of jus walking pass n think i'm ok. yes i guess i'm a sucker for attention.

i'm really tired today. should jus pop my pills n head to bed. i'm very tempted to drink n get drunk. but no i'm thrashing tat thought.