:: a little bit of claudia ::

Thursday, May 04, 2006

a million pieces of me?

1/3 of 2006 has brushed past us. what have i been doing all this while? frankly, my mind turned blank at this instance.

this week, i felt like a zombie. new medications numbed my emotions beyond words. i can no longer cry or laugh. i'm probably too "stablized".

day in day out, i find myself alone in my room. e only place i could bring myself to is Starbucks.. somewhere.. my comfort zone. i tried penning the first page of my book. but i realize i couldn't even control my hands too well. i thought, "i shan't try too hard today. lets try reading." i couldn't read too. cos words jus seem like words to me. nothing got processed in my mind. i wonder why.

i feel so shattered. day in day out i'm alone. in this vast ocean all i have is myself n a sea of uncertainties. i struggled to keep myself above the "line".. i tried dragging myself out to take a walk. somehow i always find myself coming back to the same comfort zone.

it jus sucks when i cant fit my clothes very well anymore. i cant remember if i've been eating compulsively. but i've been popping my pills religiously. almost worshipping them. they didn't do much to make me feel better. n very thank you for the extra kilos i pile on. now i dont even think i can drag myself outta my room anymore.

while i try to mend this very broken me, i guess at e end of it i'll never be complete. nothing is perfect. i jus have to live the imperfections and be thankful if i can ever be fixed.

how do i start my life afresh? can someone give me a sign pls..

sometimes i wonder if i've committed too much sins for me to be going thru karma now. i may not be always right and nice. but neither am i evil or mean.. well, punish me once n for all i guess.. i'll hate to get a recurrance anywhere down e road. oh pls jus let me recover n find myself....

11:09 PM 0 comments

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