Coming to terms

Its always the moments before i fall asleep that my thoughts start wondering all about.. Then i start to discover things abt myself i never thought i knew..

I guess its time to come to terms with reality and stop hiding myself in the closet.

This thought crossed my mind, and i guess i finally understood my actions. I tried recalling how i felt when i was with my ex. Then i realise i cant remember how i felt anymore cos it's been more than 2 yrs since we went of seperate ways. Many years ago when i was jus a little girl, i remember so vividly i was so willing to love. Its such a beautiful thing to love. He became the priority in life, everything was abt that someone special first. It was happy to be able to love. I never believed love would ever turn sour. That is someone u're ever so madly in love with. How would u hate him? Well reality proved otherwise. But after the hate, i'm glad i'm still left with some sweet memories of the good days we had.

Austin and i finally came to stand down in late august. I never found enough courage to face up to this fact in the face. I jus kept hiding and pretending, hoping i dont see it means it hadn't happened. My dear friends, the series of actions from me following the breakup, i'm sure it has caused enough controversy. In fact i cant understand why at all. Yet today i guess i saw some light abt myself, finally.

This relationship of mine is so precious to me. So many details of it, i still remember them vividly. How i felt before i met him, how i felt the first time we met face to face... How he struck me as the person i wanna be with for the rest of my life. It's so god damned hard to let someone like this go. After waiting for 1 whole year, my wait was finally rewarded.. we're finally together.

I still cant understand why things didnt work out. It wasn't cause i didn't love him anymore. Somehow things btw us was like in a leaking cup. Day by day, something goes missing. I tried hard to save things. Somehow things jus dont work out. But i'd say if i have a second chance in life, i'd never haf let go in the first place. n perhaps only after we've let go do we realise how much it meant to us anyway.

I took things exceptionally calm when we parted. No drama. No depressive episodes. I didnt wanna talk abt it much. Life seemed like it has moved on. I started dating someone new. While everyone gladly thought tat i've moved on in life, the fact is i'm jus hiding from the wound in my heart. Dating someone new took alot of attention off my broken heart. The only reason i saw it was i jus cant let go of any detail i have in my mind. Frankly i'm really really scared. Scared to lose a single bit of memory i have of him. So i let everything physical remained unchanged. The photos, the clothes, the hair gel the contact lens solution the every bit i have of him. The only things i have to hold on to like my dear life.

A part of me is dying to ask for that second chance to start anew. Yet i never asked cos it seems the 50% chances of him saying yes seems higher than if i asked n get a definite answer. Let me indulge in my hopes and maybe this will keep the memories alive. I cant let go cos i dont wanna ever let go.