Friday, July 06, 2007
lots of laments and random thoughts..
today claudia's wire tripped. claudia lost her sanity and questions about everything that is going on with her life.i screwed up client's work so bad i adopted the 'escapist's' easy way out. i gave excuses and shunned from making more changes and offering more help, then shut the world away from me. how fucking loser can that be? it jus happens, no justification, no reasons.. i got labelled unprofessional. i dont think i'm unprofessional. perhaps irresponsible for leaving the job as it is. or perhaps i'm just not good enough for the working world. i'm not sure.apart from work, other drastic stuffs took place.. i found all the suppressed emotions unleashed at the worst moment.. when i'm out n i gotta keep making changes to the damn final art.. while the tears just flows uncontrollably. the cruelty of this world is such that it never stops moving. not even when ur entire world is crumbling.. simply bcos the rest of the world is not crumbling. so even if u crumble its ur own damn business. no one can help or make u feel better until u work u way out of it.i needed to get away from the phone tat wont stop ringing. needed to get away from my mailbox that wont stop receiving new mails.. so i head to the spa for 1 hr to ease my headache..ironic thing is that the moment i got out of the spa then i realised my headache has gotten so bad that my vision was blurred. i walked damn slowly.. till i called dad to pick me up. it jus kept getting worse, till my forehead was throbbing.. i downed 2 panadols n lay in bed, regretting going for massage cos apparently it made things worse.. napped for less than 2 hrs, i found myself sitting at kallang macs again.. only got get home at 5am for an unproductive night.claudia really wonders wat is going on with her life. it seems that i've done so much this week, but actually i haven done anything much at all. its friday again. i really wish time will jus slow down a bit. it always seem before i can even catch up with my work, its an entirely new day again. i dont even dare to fall asleep too deeply in case i waste too much time sleeping.it seems like i may have to defer modules again. feel like i'm such a loser. at work i try my best best best to get things straight. most of my jobs just get on well.. of cos there are exceptions like this one that i just screwed up. but i know i'm most confident and aggressive when it comes to work. but when it comes to studies, i'm just never making it. i cannot let myself down again.. so claudia pls buck up and do ur best. put studies at first priority and get the tough period over and done with..stop losing it and start making it!!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have random thoughts racing in my mind when i started thinking about myself n my life..perspectives of life has changed quite a bit since a year ago.. claudia is still claudia. some traits are just inborn and unchangable no matter how perspectives changes from time to time..have always taken my work seriously.. no doubts about that.. thankfully rather, i've not started doubting about the path i chose in terms of career..my take on relationships have changed quite a bit though.. generally i think i've been pretty chill about everything in life already. cool as a cucumber. hurr..family.. it's ever important.. ever thankful for having the bestest daddy in the world.. a mummy that presents me with the tough lessons of life. its a fair mix of love and hate for the situations. despite the trials she can put me in at times, she never fails to melt my heart with her little gestures of love.. constant reminder to eat.. constant questioning to check i have spending money.. i regret not spending enough time with her and not giving her sufficient attention at times..friendship.. i miss the days where i put my friends on top of the list right after family. its not they're not important anymore, just that i've learnt to be alot more chill abt handling them. everyone has their own life and their own priorities. so i've no longer expect them to prioritize friendship on the top of their lists. different friend teaches me different stuff about life. i treasure each and every one of them. if i were to say, i guess i'd never stop placing friendship above love.. cos i suppose i've figured my best love would come from the best friendship ever.. i'm looking forward nevertheless i'm pretty skeptical abt love for now.all tat lovey dovey stuff jus turns me off so much. there r times i imagine with the kinda life i lead now, how nonsensical and dreading it'll be to have a relationship now. having to let e other party know where i am out of 'respect' for e relationship.. cos its abt 'us' n no longer me n u.. it's kinda sick to me. i'm such a damn individualist that sort of long for a no-strings attached kinda relationship.. yet not the sleazy kinda fuck buddy.. that is if anyone ever know wat i'm talking abt.. till then, a committed relationship ain't the slice of cake or the cuppa tea for me at the moment.. there are so much planning of starting my studio.. for my career to take flight.. so much self improvement.. so much things i wanna try and do.. sometimes the commitment to someone is jus so taxing..guess firstly i need to sort my life out before i can involve a second person. i do wish i have a more normal 9-5 life.. not only starting my day at 1pm and ending it at 6am.. i wish i can be a more productive person.. i wish to improve my command of language.. in terms of business writing? or something along e same line.. i wish to become a professional of my trade, not a jack of all trade master of none.. i wish i have more cash to get gadgets like graphic tablet, mac pro and a great dslr... who ever stops wishing for it anyway?i hate to realise i'm taking up jobs for the money and not for the passion.. guess at the pragmatic level, the best i can ask for is to have at least 50% of my work base on passion and e rest for the sake of money.. i hate to slog for money. cos having to work till 12am for a damn job is plain stupid and having to work till even 6am for passion is jus never enough!complains.. i just can go on forever and ever isn't it?