Dilemma

I realise how bad i am at making decisions. All the way from deciding what to eat, to which course to study, to which man to fall in love with and which not to... I've proven to take wrong steps that led to disastrous outcomes. Eventually it becomes a vicious cycle of being afraid to choose because I'm afraid to fail or fall..

(Before I go on, WARNING: This is going to be a long long post..)

The dilemma I face in life right now, is the big decision to start my studio or not. I started with big ambitions, big dreams and high hopes.. To now, the weary and doubtful and a little skeptical. I thought I knew what I wanted, but actually Claudia never knew what she wanted for life at all. I just go with the flow so often that I dont really know who I am and what is the purpose of my existence.

Having been a freelance for some years, I always feel thankful and know that I am plain lucky to have work coming in on and off, despite the fact that I dont even have to make any cold calls. Work just somehow found it's way to my doorstep. So I began having thoughts of starting my own company with sis, hoping to tap into her contacts since she's already established in marketing.. and we have a little something call my own 1 day.

So suddenly the next step actually took place on its own, that's when we have an office space at a pretty ideal location, presented in front of us. My dad bought an office space and is going to partition out a loft to rent out. We thought it'll be great if we take it and make something out of it. At the same time Austin had plans for his business, we see the opportunity that either we can collaborate or support each other's business. At the same time we'll be able to cut our costs when we share resources.. Everything sounds feasible and ideal..

But I'm not dreaming about all this. I know it is going to take lots and lots of hard work to get this going. And the moment I need to get a business plan done up, I began worrying.. Issues like accounts management, financing, office rental and utilities and overheads.. The bills are going to start ticking the moment we move in. Are we able to cover theses overheads in the first month? And the subsequent months? Where do I see ourselves in 3 years? I need to know these answers for sure, have a direction clearly, before I can embark on this.

While Austin has been quite encouraging along the way, telling me what I need to get done, advising me to set my direction right and get the business plan done up.. I see that we have a similar direction to head together. And I'm glad he is pragmatic enough to constantly criticise whatever he senses is wrong and then I'd assess and try to get back on track.

Today I met another friend of mine, and he is also another very pragmatic guy. He set up his business when he was 25 and eventually it did not work out and it folded. Now he is telling me the hard facts of the industry and offering me another set of advise. Frankly I do agree with him when he says if I was doing fine as a freelancer, there's no reason to set up a company. There are simply too many things to do and cater for and at the end of it, the profits are being split by me and my partner(s). Competition is stiff out there and there are thousands of the same company already out there. What do I have to compete with them? Then I thought, it's quite true since I do not have much working experience. I've been freelancing and a one-man team all along. I have limited resources and as a small company, the projects we do are also small. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? The answer is No. I am not a money driven person. But I am hungry for fame. I always thought, it only takes 1 good work to win an award and things will start pouring in from there. But as a small company am I able to wait till the opportunity comes? His point is that by joining a good agency now, by the time I'm 30, I'd be a creative director already, drawing a 7-8K pay with no stress of covering overheads and utilities. I can still freelance or invest in other business while I hold a full-time job. Why do I want to stress myself out?

I was walking along Orchard Road after our conversation and I was giving it a good thought, should I heed his advise? Should I join an agency first, learn how a good studio functions, then start this at a later stage? My sister is currently recuperating from operation as well. It may take her some time. Maybe I finish my studies first then take a look later then see how? As I walked along, I reached the train station and I got back to Bishan where I sat down and wrote my sister a long mail about what I was thinking.

Shortly, Austin called. And he heads over to pick me up.

So I told Austin what this friend says.. And again, Austin gave me another set of advise.. Standing firm to his believes, and the fact that we are both jobless and pennyless.. Hurr..

"If not now, then when?"

This is the time we got nothing to lose. All I need to do is to set a direction and just move on. Then the conversation somehow led elsewhere..

But I never stopped thinking about this.. Cos somehow i need to sort this out within myself. I feel quite useless to know I dont even know where I'm coming from and what my stand is. With such indecisiveness, can I succeed? I used to thought it's all about how much you want to succeed. So how much do I want this? Do I want it bad enough to make it happen and not fail? I'm really very unsure. Cause it is also true to what Austin says..

We all have different commitments at different stages of our lives. I know when it comes to starting a business, the more you shelf it, the more impossible it will happen. There will just be endless excuses. There will always be something more important. So I gotta decide and weigh it out for myself what is it that I really want without losing myself..

I know for sure I do not want to let work control my life. So having my own studio I control my workflow and I decide what jobs I want to do. And again the cycle begins. Are things really as easy as I think?

I'm beginning to feel dizzy.