Get Real.

The past few nights has been pretty tormenting. While my body's worn out by 1 whole day of work, my mind just kept racing. All kinda funny thoughts and redundant worries start flooding my head. I've been thinking alot about how the direction the work partnership should steer..

I cant help but still question if its the right thing to do.

About being true to myself : I always held onto this principle tightly. Heck what the world thinks. At the end of the day, we live for ourselves. I just told elaine recently, we fight for the things we want and we give it our best shot at every chance. But what matters is not the victory at the end, but the process of fighting, we remain true to ourselves. We fight with pride and we lose in grace.

Today I kinda face this dilemma.. Through a friend's recommendation, I got a new job yesterday. So today was talking to this friend, she expressed expectation of commission.. And a whopping 20%.. And it was so conveniently she told me to just mark up my quote to include her fat comm..

Welcome to the real world, Claudia. Well dont get me wrong. I'm not saying this friend is wrong. If u look at it in another way, she gets the job and she sub-contract it out and take cut out. I need the job right now, i take it. Nothing under table here. The dilemma is when this is someone i call my friend.. Though we aren't exactly that close..

My client is always right. I will always say hello and handle everything with a smile. After all I am in the service line. Surely my paying clients dont deserve to share the load of my bad day. Clients are always clients. Even if i have to fake that smile, I will.

But precisely that's how it is when it comes to work, I refuse to succumb to being fake on a personal level. I don't share my joys and bitterness with clients. I do that with friends.

So half my mind is feeling sick.. while e other half battles on to take the job. I need this piece of cake for I am drained empty. We need to fuel our overheads and operations. So now what? Drop my integrity and fake my way to that fat pay cheque? After all integrity cant make my stomach full..

Yet i find this so hard to swallow..