Jibberish

It was Valentine's Day earlier this week.. So I guess it's rather apt to talk about the issue of love.. I'm gonna sound very random. I'm not really sure what i wanna talk abt. In fact these days, I never really knew what i'm thinking anyway.

Recently there seem to be alot of happenings ard me that relates to the problems of relationships. Seriously, the problems of couples ard me freaks me out.

I realised I've forgotten how to love.. I thought tat's such a shame. Then I knew for sure, I'm unable to move on till I figure my way out again..

Today, I was hunting for flowers with Mr Austin Tan after lunch at Geylang. We went to 2 places at lavender, no luck. Florist told us it's the day after V day. He shot us a look that basically shouts us to us that we are being idiotic.. Anyhoo, I felt like a GPS navigator. I took my macbook out and yellowpages assisted me great time to track down all the other florist near us at that instant. I made several calls, and finally find 1 at Kitchener Road that has what Mr Tan wants to buy for his beloved.. That florist must have thought we looked like radishes. She asked for $90 for the bouquet. Need I go on further? Bye bye.

To be frank until this point of time i'm still nt sure what Im driving at.

After we got back to office.. some other things happened.. I received a call. It got me upset. And definitely it got me all upset all over again.

Just yesterday, before Mr Tan went for his date, he had to ask me randomly..
"So really no chance of getting back with the other Austin Tan?"

I shooed him out of the office immediately.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm sitting in front of my macbook at this hour.. Ranting away.. I didn't get more than 3 hrs of sleep last nite. (Tat's another story..) Maybe I'm just too tired. Cos my tears were flowing down randomly. Seriously. I'm not really sure why they started rolling. I asked myself if i haven got over.. I can answer myself perfectly well. I'm moved on. So now what?

Perhaps I just really missed the feeling of loving someone so hard..

Randomly from time to time, I'd get the burning urge to find the answers to the questions I had. I told myself, only 1 life. Live it. Will I have regrets if I never found the courage to ask?

Then the other side of me will debate, I should just leave things as it is and just fucking move on and stop dwelling on nonsense. I have alot of important things to do. My finances are seeing the reds. N i seriously meant.. the Reds. I'm in debts. That sucks. I need work for the company. And here I am ranting my old grandmother stories again and again like a broken tape recorder.

I'm not sure how long more will I take, really. I get tired from time to time.. I hate all the crying for nothing. I really do hate the weak side of me. It's bittersweet when the memories flood me from time to time. Actually I'm just living in my own dream. Oh man.. Please someone wake me up from this endless pursuit.. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my mind..

So what exactly is love? Why are some people in a relationship but they are constantly demanding the impossibles from each other? And if u already see the clash in character and mentality, day in day out u are complaining abt ur misery.. Why go on?

Does tat mean u're hanging on bcos of love? or actually its jus the fear of letting go?

And what are the reasons u will give your love up for? I never understood why anyone will let go of their love for money, even more so for religion.. I just wish I never find the answer to this anyway.. If I ever ever do this, my dear friends, those who actually bother to read on and read.. please jus kill me.. for I will no longer my I when that day comes..

What is the purpose of living when one lost their heart and soul?