About Loss

loss - (noun)

• the fact or process of losing something or someone
• the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value
• the detriment or disadvantage resulting from losing
• a person or thing that is badly missed when lost.

I've heard and said enough of the phrase 'you never know what you have till you lose it'. And I bet everyone else has.. I've always thought I knew this better than most people.

Since the start of the year, had been busy trying to make my partnership work out. Trying to get work going, etc.. The center of my life has became work work and more work. Long working hours kept me on the move. But i always make it a point to have 1 day left untouched to bring mum out. This has been the case for the past many many years. I've lost count.

Late last year, when my maid left, mum has been at home alone most of the time. The difference was that she's determined to be independent, so actually she was a happier person thou being left alone at home this period of time. Since the start of this year, my mum has fell down at home umpteen of times. Initially wanted her to learn that she really need help. But eventually e more she falls, it seems she's used to it. Not scared at all. She's indeed like a bull, refusing to succumb to reality.

Saturday morning at 6am, she fell down again. We didn't even think much about it since it has happened so many times.. And really, my family n i have done all possible. She chose to live life the hard way. We just gotta let her have her way.

Today I noticed some changes in my mum. Water was dripping from her nose and she didn't realise. It's not mucus for sure.

Years back when my cousin met with a serious car accident in KL, he came in SG for treatment. Neurosurgeon says tat's brain fluid. His skull was crushed from forehead down to skull. Thus brain fluid was flowing out, and when it runs dry, he dies. Thank God he survived.

So when fluid flows out of her nose, I know this spells some really bad news. My sis also checked her head. Found a small swell on her neck. I'm going to cross my fingers till I get to talk to her specialist tomorrow morning..


I felt my heart contracted. It's as if there's a big stone weighing it down. The heaviness in the heart.. I cant breathe right. It's hard to relax.

I guess no matter how 'mentally prepared' I think I am, I can never be really prepared to accept the harsh reality. I can just keep hoping nothing drastic happens, and pray very hard, and hope heaven hears my prayers and not let my mum suffer any more.. It's been so many years.. Countless of brain operations.. The deep scars left behind on different parts of her scalp and face.

Behind her tough facade, her stubbornness, her harsh words at times.. She is just a rather simple woman who lived her entire life serving her family, loving us in her way.

God, don't take her away from us so soon. She have yet to see and hold sister's baby..