Disorientation

Feel quite disorientated these days.. As if my body and mind has been misaligned.

I'm not sure if stopping work is the best decision to make. Suddenly I lost the drive and direction for my life. Feels like i'm hanging on a thin thread.. I'm filled with uncertainties, waiting for something to happen.. I'm feeling so insecure now.

It took me 2 wks to finish up all the work on hand. I can't commit to any work or deadlines for now.. Yet I really feel lost having nothing to do, but to wait for something to happen. It's definitely not the best feeling ever, and it's a very dreadful wait..

Time flies. It has been 3 months since all these has happened. It didnt felt that long.. But reality is cruel. Not working for 3 months means I've maxed out all my money again..

I'm really ok with the extra spending during this period of time. I need to get on with my social life, so i still meet my friends for dinner and drinks.. I realise the importance of a quality life, so i spend more on organic food for my mum, sis and myself.. Things has been hard for me, so i still go to the spa, get my massages, get my hair and nails done.. I definitely deserve to pamper myself at times..

1 weekend, my auntie told my sis and me, we need to get a set of jewellery for my mum.. It's a tradition, to signify the daughters' blessings to their mother when they depart. Suddenly I felt so upset. I cant really afford to share half the cost, so sis will pay for me first.. Shameful isn't it? Turning 24, and I didn't even have some savings. Cant afford the couple of hundred of dollars.. Even though I know it doesn't matter how much I chip in, it's the thought that matters. But I cant help but feel sorry that I did not do my mum proud..

I hope she didn't have to worry about me so much..

How often do we only regret when everything is too late? I wish I had managed my life better. To at least complete my degree? I should have done that by March this year, before all this has happen..

How many partners have I brought home so far? Frankly I don't even wanna count. Nothing to be proud of.. Though mum never had any issues with them, and got along well with them all, I know all she wish is for me to settle down with someone stable..

I got my tattoos done and head home to show mum, expecting her to scream the hell out of me. Yet she was actually amused and commented the butterfly is quite small.

When i was still in Lasalle and the depression episode hits me.. I was crying in bed all day. Mum sat by my bed and cried with me. She told me it's ok if I wanna quit, what matters is that I'm happy..

Memories are often beautified as time goes by.. It is undeniable that there were issues with mum that drove me nuts, in fact, drove me to hospitalisation for depression and sleep disorder some years ago. Yet it is also undeniable no matter how badly she behaved before, family was her 1st priority and she loved us all with all her heart.

The past 8 years has been filled with so much ups and downs..

There are just some things, some people, we can never get over it/them, no matter how much time passes..

Sometimes letting them go is the best way to love them.