Letting go..

Yesterday was the 3rd time in the past 3 months that I wailed my eyes out.

Every single day, I need to pull myself together.. Everyone say I'm very strong and I also thought I'm coping very well. It's true I didn't feel very emotional throughout this period of time. Cos the day-to-day matters has kept me busy and numbed. I even had to console my aunties, telling them not to be sad, not to cry..

My sister who has been going through this battle hand in hand with me, also had to stop pushing on. Being 6 months pregnant, fatigue has started to take a toll on her. She even has to be warded yesterday to undergo a minor operation, to prevent a premature delivery. Maybe during this period of time of resting, she's unable to be by my mum's side on her final journey..

The situation is such that, it is demanded of me to be strong. I don't have a choice, whether I like it or not. I cant break down, cos i'm not allowed to. This is the final lap. I can only jus keep going on. There's no way out...

When I started thinking about how the past 8 years has been for me, i cant control my tears and they jus started flooding the place like a broken tap. I'm filled with so much regrets and shame. There's so much I could have done to have more quality time with my mum..

While crying myself out, I got an sms from someone. I've heard enough of everyone telling me to be strong. It was very soothing and therapeutic to be told to just let go and let the emotions flow.. It came upon to me as a permission to be weak. It's ok to be not strong, it's ok to just cry and let it out..

I felt human all over again. And today, i'm able to move on again, continuing this final journey with more strength and pride..