Questions

I sat by mum's bedside in the hospital today, and got hit by waves of questions that constantly resound in my head. As I held her warm but lifeless hand, as I constantly tell her to be strong for now, hang in there for the operation.. Assuring her she'll be able to regain conscious after the op, be able to eat again, be able to witness the arrival of my little niece..

Frankly I cant even convince myself. At times I feel like I'm deceiving her.. Nobody knows for sure what the outcome of the op will be.

Earlier last wk, I tried hard to get a surgeon to perform the op for her. For better of worse, the op is her only chance to be with us for a longer period of time. It was only today, that I really question, if i'm making the best decision for her.

Kinda feel the pressure on me. What if, actually she didn't want to go through the op? Or what if, her physical condition does not improve? Doc is very confident of regaining her consciousness. What if by then, she's conscious, but she's still unable to get out of bed, unable to eat, unable to speak, unable to understand us, unable to recognise us..? Is there quality to a life like this? In fact it's gonna be worse if she's more conscious of the state of life she's living.

I can't help but worry about the negative stuff. Or maybe I'm trying to not allow myself be too hopeful of anything at all. When I found the surgeon who's willing to perform the op last wk, the 1st thing I wanna do is to tell my sis, my aunt and my best friends, to share this joy with me. But the other voice in me tells me not to be overly positive, or be prepared to be greatly disappointed shld anything happen..

I'm not really sure what to think. I'm worried being positive and hopeful about the situation will end up hurting myself more. How confusing..