Choked?

I feel so choked up today. No apparent reasons. I'm really numbed and emotionally drained.

I cant really decifer if i'm recovering or not. 1 thing for sure is only i can help myself. had i been helping myself? how come i cant really tell?

months after months, been seeing the docs. i feel i cant communicate effectively with them. doc says i'm getting better. am i? perhaps when i'm finally willing to blog means i'm slightly better. i hope so.

why do some very simple stuffs of life seems exceptionally complicated this time? the typical route of a singaporean - you get ur 'o' levels, then u choose JC or Poly. then u choose local or overseas uni. Simple.

i know tat's not a route i wanna take. i refused to be stereotypical yet i cant make up my mind which "other" route i wanna take. then i find myself all tangled up n stuck at 1 point. so now i need to spend time entangling myself, then move on. so now can i jus spend all my time entangling n only think of where i'm heading or should i already know where to go then head straight once i'm untangled? do anyone even know wat i'm talking abt?

why is this process of untangling so lonely? why is everyone so "physical"? cant anyone cares enough to step in n jus check out if i'm really ok instead of jus walking pass n think i'm ok. yes i guess i'm a sucker for attention.

i'm really tired today. should jus pop my pills n head to bed. i'm very tempted to drink n get drunk. but no i'm thrashing tat thought.

Forgiveness

How often do one seek forgiveness and say "I forgive you"?

I feel kinda relief at this instance. After procrastinating for almost months, i took a deep breathe and decided to send out a letter seeking forgiveness. Alot of questions held me back. "What if..." Its always e first questions to pop up. I cant explain what gave me the courage enough for me to jus write n send out the mail. I'm glad i did it irregardless i get forgiveness or not.

We all make mistakes once in a while. Mostly minor, n at times major. Major enough to hurt people n leave a permanent scar. I guess what matters most is to learn the lesson well and never to repeat it. Understand the lesson enough to forgive the person who did the same wrong against you. Its often easier said than done. But if we never try how do we ever experience the great relief to tell the person who sinned against you that you forgive him/her?

Perhaps too often, we jump at the first available opportunity to shift blames and point fingers. The next time you're caught in a right/wrong situation, perhaps lets reflect on ourselves first before we judge. Who are we to judge anyway?

Perhaps before we do anything, take jus 1 moment to self reflect, things would turn out a more beautiful way than expected. Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you. I'll try to never forget this very valuable lesson, passed on to me by my primary school teacher, ever again. I promise.

suddenly felt more human now, at this instance tears fell.. i'm not dead after all..

a million pieces of me?

1/3 of 2006 has brushed past us. what have i been doing all this while? frankly, my mind turned blank at this instance.

this week, i felt like a zombie. new medications numbed my emotions beyond words. i can no longer cry or laugh. i'm probably too "stablized".

day in day out, i find myself alone in my room. e only place i could bring myself to is Starbucks.. somewhere.. my comfort zone. i tried penning the first page of my book. but i realize i couldn't even control my hands too well. i thought, "i shan't try too hard today. lets try reading." i couldn't read too. cos words jus seem like words to me. nothing got processed in my mind. i wonder why.

i feel so shattered. day in day out i'm alone. in this vast ocean all i have is myself n a sea of uncertainties. i struggled to keep myself above the "line".. i tried dragging myself out to take a walk. somehow i always find myself coming back to the same comfort zone.

it jus sucks when i cant fit my clothes very well anymore. i cant remember if i've been eating compulsively. but i've been popping my pills religiously. almost worshipping them. they didn't do much to make me feel better. n very thank you for the extra kilos i pile on. now i dont even think i can drag myself outta my room anymore.

while i try to mend this very broken me, i guess at e end of it i'll never be complete. nothing is perfect. i jus have to live the imperfections and be thankful if i can ever be fixed.

how do i start my life afresh? can someone give me a sign pls..

sometimes i wonder if i've committed too much sins for me to be going thru karma now. i may not be always right and nice. but neither am i evil or mean.. well, punish me once n for all i guess.. i'll hate to get a recurrance anywhere down e road. oh pls jus let me recover n find myself....