Grief..

I have alot of mixed feelings in my head right now. I've been walking around my room the entire day, doing anything other than my assignments. A part of me escapes from the reality, refusing to accept the truth. But as and when the tears jus starts flowing.. A split sec i feel like talking to someone about it. But actually i'm nt sure what to say..

I hate to feel so crushed by emotions yet again. How do i manage grief n regret? No matter how much i accept death as a part of life, when it happens, its just so hard to embrace it.

It is upsetting enough to receive news of death. Tonight, i had to receive news of the death of a very dear friend and the best boss one ever can have.. Don Tan.

I'm overwhelmed with grief. Don left me at missed call at 930am last morning. We just spoke the night before about my dilemma with starting my studio. He told me to go ahead and be courageous. He said Courage is being afraid but still going on anyhow. Memories kept repeating itself in my head like a broken video tape. He has been a great friend and mentor. We are always too caught up with our life we don't usually have the luxury of time to meet till recently.

So far i only know it was sudden cardiac death.

There are so much i wish i can say..

Dilemma

I realise how bad i am at making decisions. All the way from deciding what to eat, to which course to study, to which man to fall in love with and which not to... I've proven to take wrong steps that led to disastrous outcomes. Eventually it becomes a vicious cycle of being afraid to choose because I'm afraid to fail or fall..

(Before I go on, WARNING: This is going to be a long long post..)

The dilemma I face in life right now, is the big decision to start my studio or not. I started with big ambitions, big dreams and high hopes.. To now, the weary and doubtful and a little skeptical. I thought I knew what I wanted, but actually Claudia never knew what she wanted for life at all. I just go with the flow so often that I dont really know who I am and what is the purpose of my existence.

Having been a freelance for some years, I always feel thankful and know that I am plain lucky to have work coming in on and off, despite the fact that I dont even have to make any cold calls. Work just somehow found it's way to my doorstep. So I began having thoughts of starting my own company with sis, hoping to tap into her contacts since she's already established in marketing.. and we have a little something call my own 1 day.

So suddenly the next step actually took place on its own, that's when we have an office space at a pretty ideal location, presented in front of us. My dad bought an office space and is going to partition out a loft to rent out. We thought it'll be great if we take it and make something out of it. At the same time Austin had plans for his business, we see the opportunity that either we can collaborate or support each other's business. At the same time we'll be able to cut our costs when we share resources.. Everything sounds feasible and ideal..

But I'm not dreaming about all this. I know it is going to take lots and lots of hard work to get this going. And the moment I need to get a business plan done up, I began worrying.. Issues like accounts management, financing, office rental and utilities and overheads.. The bills are going to start ticking the moment we move in. Are we able to cover theses overheads in the first month? And the subsequent months? Where do I see ourselves in 3 years? I need to know these answers for sure, have a direction clearly, before I can embark on this.

While Austin has been quite encouraging along the way, telling me what I need to get done, advising me to set my direction right and get the business plan done up.. I see that we have a similar direction to head together. And I'm glad he is pragmatic enough to constantly criticise whatever he senses is wrong and then I'd assess and try to get back on track.

Today I met another friend of mine, and he is also another very pragmatic guy. He set up his business when he was 25 and eventually it did not work out and it folded. Now he is telling me the hard facts of the industry and offering me another set of advise. Frankly I do agree with him when he says if I was doing fine as a freelancer, there's no reason to set up a company. There are simply too many things to do and cater for and at the end of it, the profits are being split by me and my partner(s). Competition is stiff out there and there are thousands of the same company already out there. What do I have to compete with them? Then I thought, it's quite true since I do not have much working experience. I've been freelancing and a one-man team all along. I have limited resources and as a small company, the projects we do are also small. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? The answer is No. I am not a money driven person. But I am hungry for fame. I always thought, it only takes 1 good work to win an award and things will start pouring in from there. But as a small company am I able to wait till the opportunity comes? His point is that by joining a good agency now, by the time I'm 30, I'd be a creative director already, drawing a 7-8K pay with no stress of covering overheads and utilities. I can still freelance or invest in other business while I hold a full-time job. Why do I want to stress myself out?

I was walking along Orchard Road after our conversation and I was giving it a good thought, should I heed his advise? Should I join an agency first, learn how a good studio functions, then start this at a later stage? My sister is currently recuperating from operation as well. It may take her some time. Maybe I finish my studies first then take a look later then see how? As I walked along, I reached the train station and I got back to Bishan where I sat down and wrote my sister a long mail about what I was thinking.

Shortly, Austin called. And he heads over to pick me up.

So I told Austin what this friend says.. And again, Austin gave me another set of advise.. Standing firm to his believes, and the fact that we are both jobless and pennyless.. Hurr..

"If not now, then when?"

This is the time we got nothing to lose. All I need to do is to set a direction and just move on. Then the conversation somehow led elsewhere..

But I never stopped thinking about this.. Cos somehow i need to sort this out within myself. I feel quite useless to know I dont even know where I'm coming from and what my stand is. With such indecisiveness, can I succeed? I used to thought it's all about how much you want to succeed. So how much do I want this? Do I want it bad enough to make it happen and not fail? I'm really very unsure. Cause it is also true to what Austin says..

We all have different commitments at different stages of our lives. I know when it comes to starting a business, the more you shelf it, the more impossible it will happen. There will just be endless excuses. There will always be something more important. So I gotta decide and weigh it out for myself what is it that I really want without losing myself..

I know for sure I do not want to let work control my life. So having my own studio I control my workflow and I decide what jobs I want to do. And again the cycle begins. Are things really as easy as I think?

I'm beginning to feel dizzy.

DAMN FUNNY!!

This one really crack me up big time.. I was laughing my ass off literally at 3am in the morning..

To request for extension for assignments, we need to write to our lecturers about it to get official approval. While Audrey n I already got ours, Austin kept wondering why lecturer is ignoring him..

It turns out our dear Austin sent email to ... @PIGPOND.com.au.. instead of BIGPOND.. i just cannot stop laughing...

Something Funny

I was at MacDonalds. Left the long seat i was at to head outside for a phone call. While i watch my stuffs from glass panel in a distance, the fat man sitting 2 seats away happily helped himself to my limeade.

When I head back to my seat, fat man realise he reached for the wrong cup of drink and was so embarrassed that he left hurriedly after saying 'sorry sorry'.. :P

I only have 3 mins to update my blog today...

Suddenly i'm so so so caught up with work.. The pressure is ever more intense, yet there's this excitement tat accompanies it. My studio space will be ready in 3 weeks from now.. n it never daunts on me until i gave it a serious thought..

From e moment it's ready, i'll have to be liable for the utilities and that's when bills start ticking non stop! I need to get paper work done.. my proposal and collaterals.. Hope to get business really soon to cover the first set of bills and hope it wont drown me completely from there..

I'm working out the possibilities of collaborations, but shall keep this under wraps for the time being till things are concrete.. Till then i have to get an office system going all the way down to things like labeling work files in a certain system and establishing new accounts...

Adrenaline is rushing.. i feel my dream is coming true and this is the time to put in the 101% of hard work to make sure things work! ;)

Oohhh... Apparently my dearies miss me.. Hehe...


Our dinner at Sushi Tei last week was just awesome! The food was great.. n we had a great time enjoying the hot pots and catching up on lost times... It's just too bad i couldn't join u guys for movie..

Life has been pretty much same for me these days. I'm just thankful life is stable.. ain't no big changes.. I just dont have as much time as i used to enjoy.

These days i have really strange dreams to relate to. Day before i encountered free falls in my dream.. Like i was lifted into the air, then suddenly let loose n my heart just dropped. This went on for a couple of times and it literally drained all my energy within me..

Then there was last nite where i dreamt of my grandfather.. It was a little morbid now that i think of it.. I was having a chat with him. He wants me to burn offerings to him.. on the other hand i was telling him dad is unwell these days and he discovered a lump in his neck. We're still waiting for lab test to return and see what it is.. I really hope it's nothing serious else i'm really not sure how i'd handle it. So i was telling grandpa to bless dad..

... n the next moment, my handphone rang and woke me up. It was my mum and she did a great job at scaring the shit out of me. She told me to pack dad's clothes and go to hospital instantly cos my dad is going for operation! Turn out to be a false alarm, he was jus going for a scan.. n really, i was feeling crap the entire afternoon...

So tat's abt it.. I need to get ultra productive to get lots of things done!!

For now, Good nite folks!

Shopping week!!

It was my sister's birthday on monday so I treat her to a session of manicure and pedicure at my usual nail spot in Sgoon gardens. There's a v interesting shop there that has similar concepts to the designer's boutiques at Haji Lane.. I couldn't resist but bought myself a bag there.. Have been eyeing on it since a month ago.. heeee...

It's made of leather and suede.. very big n spacious. can even fit a dog inside. hehehee... i dig big bags!

I saw this watch in the shop and it was tagged $308.. japanese designer.. i didn't get it of cos.. but somehow i spot a very similar one at wisma the following day, at a fraction of the actual price. of cos buy la!! :D

apart from these.. i splurge over 80 bucks on books.. a print production book and my monthly dose of computer arts.. hurrr.. moral of e story is I AM BROKE.. hur..

it's been the uncountable night i've been having insomnia. normally i jus lay in bed, think abt wat happened in the day, then slowly fall asleep.. tonight i decided to get out of bed bcos somehow my mind drifted to alot of sad memories and i know i had to run away...

i was very upset last night. so upset that i wrote my sister an email. i couldn't think of anyone else to share it with. she shared with me in her reply something which i felt is very enlightening. so i decided to cut and paste parts of it here to share..

"... someone told me, a person's character in this lifetime is determined by how many times the person has been reborne. For example, if a person is calm, good-tempered, & at peace with the world, then this person has been reborn many times. Likewise, a person who is bad-tempered, not at peace with himself n the world, has prob just started his life journey in this world..."

"... The book talked about an interesting theory from the medicine man in Bali. He said one of his meditations takes him "to up". This meditation takes him seven places in universe. Up and up. Last place he goes to is heaven. So the writer ask him what heaven is like. He says everything there is beautiful, everything is love there. Then he says he knows another meditation - "to down", which means is to go to hell. So the writer ask him what hell is like. Surprisingly, he said hell is the same as heaven.