Admitted my mum to hospital again earlier on.. 2 days earlier than schedule. She suffered an episode of epilepsy and was bleeding in the mouth.

Not sure if this is going to cause any delay to the operation that was initially scheduled on Thursday. Can just cross my fingers till then.

Actually I really have alot to update about the past week.. About work, about friday's movie outing and about the 1st birthday present I received.. But somehow i'm not sure where to begin.

Journey to the East

20th June - My super long day began with me bringing my sis to the gynae for her checkup at noon. To date, she is coming to 7 months of her pregnancy already. Time flies..

After gynae, sis n i went shopping and pig out. I head to meet elaine, june and chick at Vivocity to do some shopping and have dinner. It was a fruitful shopping trip! I bot a dress from the Mango sale, and got my raspberry eye mask from TheFaceShop.

That night was super fun! We had 2 cars that drove the 7 of us all over the east! 2 hrs drove to hunt for the mee sua!! I think i shall not go into details how we took 2 hrs to drive from Punggol park to Kembangan.. or elaine will kill me. HAHA!!

We even head to Bedok jetty for a late night stroll after supper.. how romantic rite.. haha.. Only got home at past 3am that night. It was filled with so much joy, laughter and great food.. Really took my mind off everything else. It was jus awesome..

(Blogger's down at this time. Upload pics soon..)

A happier post

@ TCC harbourfront...






@ Loof bar...

Disorientation

Feel quite disorientated these days.. As if my body and mind has been misaligned.

I'm not sure if stopping work is the best decision to make. Suddenly I lost the drive and direction for my life. Feels like i'm hanging on a thin thread.. I'm filled with uncertainties, waiting for something to happen.. I'm feeling so insecure now.

It took me 2 wks to finish up all the work on hand. I can't commit to any work or deadlines for now.. Yet I really feel lost having nothing to do, but to wait for something to happen. It's definitely not the best feeling ever, and it's a very dreadful wait..

Time flies. It has been 3 months since all these has happened. It didnt felt that long.. But reality is cruel. Not working for 3 months means I've maxed out all my money again..

I'm really ok with the extra spending during this period of time. I need to get on with my social life, so i still meet my friends for dinner and drinks.. I realise the importance of a quality life, so i spend more on organic food for my mum, sis and myself.. Things has been hard for me, so i still go to the spa, get my massages, get my hair and nails done.. I definitely deserve to pamper myself at times..

1 weekend, my auntie told my sis and me, we need to get a set of jewellery for my mum.. It's a tradition, to signify the daughters' blessings to their mother when they depart. Suddenly I felt so upset. I cant really afford to share half the cost, so sis will pay for me first.. Shameful isn't it? Turning 24, and I didn't even have some savings. Cant afford the couple of hundred of dollars.. Even though I know it doesn't matter how much I chip in, it's the thought that matters. But I cant help but feel sorry that I did not do my mum proud..

I hope she didn't have to worry about me so much..

How often do we only regret when everything is too late? I wish I had managed my life better. To at least complete my degree? I should have done that by March this year, before all this has happen..

How many partners have I brought home so far? Frankly I don't even wanna count. Nothing to be proud of.. Though mum never had any issues with them, and got along well with them all, I know all she wish is for me to settle down with someone stable..

I got my tattoos done and head home to show mum, expecting her to scream the hell out of me. Yet she was actually amused and commented the butterfly is quite small.

When i was still in Lasalle and the depression episode hits me.. I was crying in bed all day. Mum sat by my bed and cried with me. She told me it's ok if I wanna quit, what matters is that I'm happy..

Memories are often beautified as time goes by.. It is undeniable that there were issues with mum that drove me nuts, in fact, drove me to hospitalisation for depression and sleep disorder some years ago. Yet it is also undeniable no matter how badly she behaved before, family was her 1st priority and she loved us all with all her heart.

The past 8 years has been filled with so much ups and downs..

There are just some things, some people, we can never get over it/them, no matter how much time passes..

Sometimes letting them go is the best way to love them.

Letting go..

Yesterday was the 3rd time in the past 3 months that I wailed my eyes out.

Every single day, I need to pull myself together.. Everyone say I'm very strong and I also thought I'm coping very well. It's true I didn't feel very emotional throughout this period of time. Cos the day-to-day matters has kept me busy and numbed. I even had to console my aunties, telling them not to be sad, not to cry..

My sister who has been going through this battle hand in hand with me, also had to stop pushing on. Being 6 months pregnant, fatigue has started to take a toll on her. She even has to be warded yesterday to undergo a minor operation, to prevent a premature delivery. Maybe during this period of time of resting, she's unable to be by my mum's side on her final journey..

The situation is such that, it is demanded of me to be strong. I don't have a choice, whether I like it or not. I cant break down, cos i'm not allowed to. This is the final lap. I can only jus keep going on. There's no way out...

When I started thinking about how the past 8 years has been for me, i cant control my tears and they jus started flooding the place like a broken tap. I'm filled with so much regrets and shame. There's so much I could have done to have more quality time with my mum..

While crying myself out, I got an sms from someone. I've heard enough of everyone telling me to be strong. It was very soothing and therapeutic to be told to just let go and let the emotions flow.. It came upon to me as a permission to be weak. It's ok to be not strong, it's ok to just cry and let it out..

I felt human all over again. And today, i'm able to move on again, continuing this final journey with more strength and pride..

Learning to appreciate..

I certainly know how to appreciate the little things in life much much better now.. The everyday things that you and I take for granted..

Each night as I lay in bed, just before I fall asleep.. I'd be so thankful, yet another day has passed.. Thank God for the additional day I got with mum..

Each time I have my meal.. I'd be so thankful for the ability to eat and enjoy good food. Ever since mum lost her ability to swallow, she has been feeding through tubes. Getting used to not eating at all is even more tough than anyone normal can imagine.

Just being simple and normal is already a great blessing..