The Beginning..

i feel it. its coming nearer and nearer. can almost feel the heat. THE GRUELLING HELL TERM IS BACK...

tuesday.. day 1 of term 2 yr 3. i hate this brain storming part. school made us plan our own sentence. we submit a proposal with timeline. when u wan to submit wat, u plan urself. its almost like u plan how u wan to die. swallow sleeping pills or laxatives or dettol or kerosene.. u decide.. or u opt for the slow death u can slit ur wrist, watch the blood drain u dry and u enjoy the pain.. then u begin seeing stars, sun sets within minutes. u find urself in the galaxy. u see a face with long white beard. oh tat's GOD.. U R DEAD.

hey i'm actually impressed with my creativity. perhaps i can write a book on 101 ways to die.. but i seriously think overdose of laxative is more painful than slashing ur wrist. worse. u cant confirm if u will die. n even worse. u die in a pile of S**T.

see how stress turns claudia into saddistic monster tat rants on n on.. slowly torturing those who reads this..

**BEWARE** U HAVE JUST BEEN INFECTED WITH CLAUDIARARISIS. IF YOU DO NOT PICK UP UR PHONE AND DIAL MY MOBILE FOR ANTIDOTE, U WILL BE BANISHED TO THE INFECTIOUS STATE LIKE CLAUDIA IS IN RIGHT NOW. SO DIAL 1900-9999999 AND DONATE TO NKF NOW. eeehhhh.. no link leh...

i guess its gonna be e lamest entry i've posted in my entire blogging life. whatever..

i need inspirations now n i'm upset my inspiration library is outstationed now. i need therapy to make me feel better. but i'm down to my final 10 bucks. i spent 4 today to buy a 6 pack soya bean milk and a loaf of white bread. it'll last me till e end of e week. be starting therapy next wk. oh great.. although initials r both RT, but i'm going for radiotherapy and not retail therapy. worlds apart..

The happier stuff...

only the happier entry for today.. i made it in time for submission for both the competitions.. thou i think there's no standard at all. but anyway... i made it in time. so 1 thing off my mind.

met june at suntec for shopping. spent sometime in starbucks jus talking.. then lots of shopping, checking out new stores, n more rattling.. had dinner at Viethai @ marina. i'm sure laine will love the tom yam soup there. i almost choked on it. blame it on my low threshold for spicy food. the fresh paper roll and toufu cubes were great.. fresh ingredients.. good choice!!

did alot of trying out of clothes.. so much to buy, so little money. didnt even know where e money gone to but i spent a hundred bucks today on nothing.. argh! i should jus stay home for e rest of e wk. anywayz.. there was so much temptations. esprit's having sale n lots of great items to grab! darn! i dont haf cash at this moment... dresses at 50% off!! argh..... topshop, la senza and warehouse.. i have so much things i want!! so much great deals.. sobz.. no retail therapy for me. but i do get a kick out of trying on anything and everything! hahaaa....

call this a girl's thing.. it perks me up. i'm totally worn out thou.. lack of sleep! but e shopping part was nice..

finally got my whitening mask. time for some repair works on my chao da face! got a foot pumice which i kept wanting but forgot to get. gonna pamper myself b4 i sleep today. its part of my body maintainence regime.. *yawn* my eyes are shutting down. oh shit! i jus remember i haf research work to do... sianz... will haf to get things done for discussion tmr.

i'm such a sucker for design mag.. grabbed 2 n i'm down to my lost few pennies.. ok i'm regretting a tiny whiny bit now. i'm such a loser when it comes to finance management.

going to the docs some day this wk. maybe tmr or wed. i dont wan details of my condition yet. i'll jus stall for time.. jus give me 2 months. i'll succumb to fate after tat. but nt tat this point of time..

oh i came up with such a brilliant advertising plan for term 2 project while i was in toilet. hahaa... ya! tat 45 seconds spent in the toilet actually become a constructive idea. darn cool rite.. so the next time u do ur business, relax ur mind.. u might jus come up with the million dollar idea. *wink wink*

*sniff sniff* think e flu bug's biten me.. stuffy nose and a little sore throat. cant understand.. i down at least 3L of water religiously every single day.. n still can fall sick. *eyes rolling* sickening..

ok i'm going to sort of disclose some bad news.. my medical report confirmed i have a recurrance of lymphoma. links back to my swollen neck i woke up with on e eve of my 21st birthday. hm... ok guys i'm not very very upset abt it.. i'm not crying, not losing sleep or appetite over the news as yet. ya YET.. pretty numb.. n i guess my buddies r keeping me busy with activities i haven got time to break down YET.. but i guess i'll haf to learn to be strong cos life itself is a lonely journey. i'll make it through... i'll jus keep reminding myself i've been through the worst n wats coming is jus like a deja vu.. i've been there done tat.. i'll make it once again.

right.. jus got back from blading with lainey n ray.. fell on my bum today.. aawww.. trust me tat hurts. not at tat moment. its like now.. while i'm sitting.. i'm feeling the pain..

suddenly i dont haf e mood to blog on cos i'm feeling kinda hurt. hurting words r common but nt when it comes from him. whatever. tat's all.

really tired. didn't get enough sleep. went blading @ ECP.. tat sums up saturday part 1.

i'm bored. i wanna go out. but i'm tired. and no money. sianz...

i'm going nuts. period.

A very temperamental entry...

ok call me a sucker.. i'm damn happy cos of e unexpected call last nite. hahahaaaaaa........ u dont haf to know who tat is anyway. :P

thank God its FRIDAY.... a rather happening day for me. hmmmm......

woke up late cos i didnt sleep well last nite. shoulder's muscle ache was killing me. the pain was so bad it went up my head.. thou e nice call elevated my pain a bit, hahaa... but i jus couldn't sleep in a comfortable position. so i went for massage at The Tamarind Spa at serangoon gardens.. did a javanese massage by this malay lady.. my God i was practically holding my breathe for the first half hour.. she went so deep into my muslces i was almost tearing.. but i know without some pressure the tension wont be released. as it went on, e pain got better and indeed i felt better. but of cos rite now, my felt like my whole back got bruised. but tat lady is really good.. i didn't even haf to tell her where hurts.. she KNOWS! like a psychic. hahaaa... anyway i hope i recover soon...

today was one of e rare times i lost my temper at a complete stranger. was waiting for elaine at the station, listening to my ipod.. then a guy approached me with a digital SLR.. he showed me some pictures. he snapped me when i wasn't looking. was completely shocked. he went on rattling abt his talent search shit.. i haven spoke a word as yet. i offed my ipod n told him in the face to stop talking. i told him to delete the pictures n at first he said he cant. i blew my top. i told him if he dont delete it himself i will personally format the damn memory stick n dont fuck ard with me when i do photography. i could haf sue him for infringement of privacy. i took e cam n dbl check making sure he deleted everything. i saw many other pictures of girls.. WAT A PERVERT! the worst thing he looked like tat fucker Steven Lim.. jus too bad he got an irritating face i lost my temper at. i felt completely violated by idiots like this...

i walked away.. e girls were still on e way. went walking ard.. tried on clothes at warehouse n FCUK.. kinda upset i think i look horrible in jeans now. cant seem to fit into those low rise jeans cos i freaking haf a flat butt. thou i'm a dress size smaller now, i'm not happy AT ALL... sigh.. i better start looking into those bust enhancement recipe.

we left town kinda early, abt 7.. i came home first cos my hair was oily from the massage.. was suppose to shower but i ended talking to mum for a while.. didn't haf time to shower so i jus changed a bit n gone out again.. the impromtu girl's night out! heheee....



met laine n june @ grapevine.. cindy n ade came in much later.. was so much fun playing the crap ASSHOLE game. hahaa...
















The BABES without claudia.. jus aint complete. hahahaaaaaa.....




If you notice the difference in quality, u notice the change in photographer. *grinz*


















Oh pls! stop acting cute... these camera whores! :P

sooo... got home n still deciding to wash my hair or not. laine says anyway blading in morning will get dirty also. i agree. hee.. so i'll let my hair be seasoned in lavender oil for few more hours.. i'm starting to get e jitters.. work's already pouring in! man.. term 2 haven even start officially. anyway.. perhaps getting busy is e best way to keep my mind from wondering "too far"... stop me from thinking "too much"... refrain myself from falling too deep.. hahaaa... ya work keeps me sane. um...

alrightz i gotta wakie early to go blading.. i hope i'm nt a sleepyhead too much. hee..


You were gone and it was all wrong
Had no idea how much I cared

You found someone else
You had every reason
You know I can’t blame you for runnin’
Two people together but living alone
I was spreading my love too thin

Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I don’t want to
Living without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
It’s the hardest thing to take
I’m addicted to you
You’re a hard habit to break

About FATE

the day was pretty fine until a few minutes ago.. sheezz!! if someone spells n pronounces ur name wrongly, how would u feel? at most correct them rite... well i corrected this person, gave him e right spelling.. n e reply i got was.. u also know i always spell wrongly.. somethings used to it already very hard to change. will u feel irritated?

do u believe in fate? i do. n it fascinates me. i always say who i am depends on who u r. have u ever come across some people that u jus haf endless stuffs to talk abt while some no matter how u try, u jus cant click.. there r jus some ppl i'm always happy jus to hear his/her voice or sms... exceptionally surprised to receive a call from them after a long time.. while some no matter how long u jus go "oh shit! its him..." when u hear ur phone ring... strange huh? so i turn from a nice and friendly anything goes claudia.. to an attiitudal unpleasant and forever BUSY claudia..

spent e day at home, doing mani and pedicure, facial and hair treatment.. wanted to go for a massage but cos of e cancellation of mambo night, i was too lazy to travel to great world city. met elaine for dinner, checked out some new spas at serangoon gardens.. n head back home pretty early. was already talking abt e "butt" issue earlier on.. then it got even more intensed e moment i got online...

lost a bit of weight recently thanks to stress n lack of sleep. but guess i lost weight at e wrong areas of e body. where's suppose to be big became small n wat's suppose to be small, remained big.. sobz... it irritates me to know laine's bf says i look like i dont haf a butt.. yes tat i know.. wearing jeans look horrible and wearing skirt it jus keeps sliding off me.. but i suppose no butt.. i'll still live with it.. i dunno wat kinda day is it today. 3 guys came to me saying HEY u lost weight! ya very flattering.. but not when 1 of them made a comment i'm getting flat "there"... oh WHERE? "there...." u know.. boobs! he compared me in a grp picture.. n made a most insulting comment.. am i really becoming airport soon?? trust me i'd rather put on all e weight i've lost jus to get my boobs back.. no way am i gonna look slimmer but without breasts. i cant live with it! this gets on my nerve.. so much so i cant help but msg austin to rant.. all the way from singapore. tsk! really irritating me..

was abt to go away from msn to do pushups.. n my guy fren say.. oh do more.. then u will soon haf square boobs.. i was like ARGH!!!!!!! i didn't lose weight everyone says i'm fat.. now tat i've lost a little.. still fat.. but i get negative comments... sobz.. so should i like remain fat for the rest of my life jus to retain my breasts n butt?

suppose to go swim with ray tmr.. now i'm having second thoughts.. swimming makes e butt even flatter.. sigh.. tell me wat i should do to maintain my bustline n still lose weight off my hips n tummy.... sobz...

totally sian night.. everyone sleep early......

tuesday is waffle day!

was back at school for workshop today.. school was literally thrashy.. no i dont mean to be rude. we were told to use thrash to try to come up with a new material. "THRASHY" isn't it? haha....

collected my specs.. look like a nerd. what do u think?


met elaine to indulge in SINS... had gelare waffles n ice cream.. did some retail therapy.. etc.. but guess e nicest thing was catching austin online.. was jus telling elaine i felt loss without this guy's sms n calls.. well i'm real tired today perhaps cos i woke up early. i'm going to sleep..

n i guess e sweetest dream i had was him calling me... thanks! u made my day.. thou i only got 3 mins from u. hahaa.. gd nite..

its monday.. no blues.. but i woke up late so i gave school a miss... the lazy bug bitten me so bad even morning calls from elaine n austin didn't work... oops! *grinz*

feeling a little loss today.. rather not go into details..

anyway met ray for dinner at j8.. wanted to get a jazz album but nt available so i decided to try an album by Ikarus.. well its suppose to be highly sought after in US by fans of deep forest, enigma and era.. being an avid fan of era, this goon goon here bought e album.. it turned out to be rather indie sounding.. *pengz* like some exotic chill out lounge music.. oh man..

i hope sch will be ok for me tmr.. its like having e first day at grade 1 jitters.. GOSH! anywayz i got reply from my lecturer.. i suppose i wont fail assessment afterall.. oh whatever! i'm sick n tired of worrying abt this shit all e time..

Day @ SENTOSA.....



.... My bestest buddies ....



.... R.E.V.O.L.U.T.I.O.N. ... aawww... so cute.... :D


"you are beautiful.. no matter what they say.. cos words cant bring u down..." I LOVE THIS PIC....


the alcoholic fanatics.. guess wat? its us girls tat's drinking n playing cards while e guys busk in e sun n soak in e sea.. hehee..


my brother.. my best friend.. my slacking buddy.. my EX! hahaaaa....


finally.. a group picture taken.... apparently austin n rudy is trying to look cool...


austin tan the "hao lian"... give him some credit for his BEE-TI-HU smile. :D




trust me he's influential.. i was never this hao lian until he came into my life.. (",)

i guess i've finally sorted out my thoughts a little..

much as i am afraid to go on n face e unpleasant music.. i guess i'll still have to grip on n push on. thinking of the amount of money i've spent, the amount of time i've wasted.. i cannot jus give up at this point of time. i will hate to disappoint my parents and myself. i've went through all kind of shit, wat is this final last lap? i will jus get it over n done with. i'll jus have to keep reminding myself and make it through this last 2 months. when e semester is over, things will be alright and when 2006 comes, i'll start afresh and push myself on to complete my diploma. i MUST DO IT.. cant let myself be daunted but these disgusting people. the more they wanna see me die the more i'll prove to them i am no pushover. quitting now jus proves i'm a loser. i'm sure i'm made of tougher stuff.

the company i got from my friends the past few days was helpful in a sense. although a part of me was escaping and refusing to think abt the whole issue, the moral support and jus being there to make me less depress, i appreciate it.

austin's leaving tmr for 2 months.. hm.. cant help but was overcome by a sense of loss.. this guy has become a part of my life, indispensable. jus like elaine and raymond.. my inspiration will be far from me for a while. n term 2 TVC.. no model!! hahaa.. but even if he's ard i cant possibly get him to "star" again.. imagine my FYP.. when displaying all my year's work.. its all austin's face. hahaaaa..... well.. this drinking kaki gonna be missing for 2 months. my liver will be pretty relieve. hahaaa... but AUSTIN TAN! the mongolian vodka is still waiting to be finished!!! n u might be interested to know.. chris (elaine's bf) has a polish vodka to share... r u excited? hahaaa.. we'll be waiting for u to return to our nights of endless drinkings.. thou 2nite's farewell dinner was without the main character.. everyone will miss u while u r away so u better get ur ass back here soon. hehee...

jus saw e pictures we took during our sentosa trip.. whoosh! nice!!!!...... i'm gonna put them all together and send for print soon. most of them were nice! thou i got burnt tat day (when i'm trying not to get tan).. ya i still fell asleep at the beach under e scorching sun along the coastline.. so i'm back to the tan claudia with ugly tanlines.. so SKII can forget abt making money from me.. hur hur....

its 21st aug.. june and rudy's leaving in less than a month! my goodness... i felt time flies too fast this yr. well perhaps for e same reason i should jus hang in there n press on for another 2 months + 4 months..

oh my dear raymond is falling in love.. AAwwww.... this pretty girl was my pri schmate.. dunno each other but i met her at e print shop e other day.. pretty girl.. n according to ray she's nice.. i certainly hope things work out for this dearest brother-cum-buddy of mine.. raymond!! dont freak out n get too emotional ok.. take it slow n easy.. U CAN DO IT!... believe in urself and jus be yourself n let nature take its course.. we're behind u alllllll the way! :D

i'm actually afraid i'll sink too deep only after such a long time. contradicting myself. i should haf been more rational..

dunno wat i'm talking abt? its ok no one has to know.

WARNING: This is an ultimately ------LONG------ post.


some ppl say the unexpectancies of life is most enticing. i guess i cant agree with this at all. e events tat took place for the past few days and those to come, leaves me hanging in e air n i really feel crap over it.

i've learnt when i'm most upset, i dont talk abt it at all. cos talking abt it makes me tear uncontrollably. n i guess i dont take failures well. after putting in 101% effort into my work, i guess the last thing anyone wants to get is a fail. after working for weeks, countless nights of staying ups and doing photoshoots, a 5 minutes late caused me to fail. i suppose its e first time in my life i've put in so much effort n thoughts into this project and 1 mistake dashed everything. this also made me see the cruelty of reality and the real faces of those around me. getting to school, watching the door got locked, tat definitely hurt me bad. i was told, "i dont wanna hear ur sob stories". i guess this is a statement i'll never forget and labelled the most painful statement ever. i stood there blankly for the next few moments until everyone ard me left, rehearsing the statement again n again in my head. all i needed was a few hours to go home fix my damaged file and send it to print.

i couldn't stop crying the whole afternoon. i guess all the stressed tat was built up over time, all the suppressed emotions got released at tat very instance. my weeks of hardwork went down the drain. it was a blow i didn't know how to handle cos i nv see it coming. i was pretty confident of my work and satisfied with myself.

meeting up with elaine tat very night helped alot. before going out, i got myself together. meeting up with ur soulmate, jus walking ard, eating n talking things out helped. i didn't feel i was alone. i was thankful someone listened. wednesday nite, i got my files sorted out, made sure everything was in order. i sorted out my thoughts. the next big step was to decide to go to sch e next day or not. i know most others would haf gotten their things done, go to sch n beg the lecturers to accept the work. no one will want to fail or repeat the yr cos of 1 project, 1 failure. i battled with myself. i jus couldn't come to term with myself, letting down my pride, stood tat low to beg my lecturers. didn't think they deserve me to let down my pride.

it doesn't mean i dont realise my mistake. i reassessed the whole situation and reassessed my mistakes and the failure. i wrote out the wrong stuffs i did and i told myself never to repeat the same mistake again. i'm gonna do something abt my bad time management and organization skills. but i guess i proudly say i didn't let myself down. i knew i worked hard and i knew where i stand. i may not be the best. but i'm definitely not the worse.

i'm still thinking wat i should do next. failing term 1 is as good as failing the whole semester. should i be asked to leave or repeat, i guess i'll start working and building my portfolio. i dont believe my life comes to a stop without my diploma. i guess it doesn't make sense cos i'm already into the final lap. but it doesn't means i'm giving up cos of 1 mistake. i jus cant bring myself to be in an environment i totally despised. a place there's little humanity. they might all be professionals. lecturers and practicing artist n designers. but i'm not impressed at all cos the way they handle things are jus too cold.

in march, when mum fell sick all of a sudden. i spoke to 1 of my lecturer regarding this matter. the answer i got, straight in my face, "there's nothing we can do for you". i really wanted to ask them, "if u have a mother, struck down by brain cancer, u could lose her at any point of time. tat is really something u really will hate to hear." i guess from tat moment in time i was already prepared to give up this diploma i was pursuing.

perhaps i'm jus too stubborn and too proud to lose. perhaps i jus refused to admit my mistakes and be sorry abt it. i'm not too sure myself. but at least i know i dont owe myself an answer. i've put in effort n done my best. things didn't get assessed the way it should have been. yet no regrets abt this whole issue.









thursday - met raymond and elaine. i'm glad my buddies were there to listen and share my thoughts. guys i really appreciate ur presence and having u guys are the best things tat happened to me.

we pigged out on alot of food. i probably ate more than the amt i ate the whole wk tat day.. had egg tart at peace centre, indonesian food at paradiz centre.. chicken rice at upp serangoon.. i had enough calories to put back e weight i've lost over e stressful week. it was so much fun thou. we haven had so much fun in a long time. we decided to go sentosa on friday, have fish steamboat at night and come my house to drink after tat.

friday - haven had so much fun in a very long time. met june n raymond in the morning for BK breakfast.. i woke up late thou. hehe.. caught up with e rest at harbourfront.. elaine, june, rudy and austin... jus lazing in the sand.. busking in the sun.. stress-free day. n i guess e company means alot too.. my bestest buddies.. jus sitting doing nothing will be the best time ever. rudy left to go home for dinner n austin to meet his frens.. the rest of us met up with more ppl for dinner.

was suppose to head home with the rest to haf drinks at my place. i got home first cos ace drove me n my heavy mixers home. discovered my aircon was down cos e repairman kinda damaged it. contradicting huh.. repairman did e exact opposite thing. my aircon was perfectly fine.. i didn't know how they made it stopped. i'm so sorry to disappoint u guys.. i hope we can arrange for another drinking session again soon. in e end only austin came over.. we gobbled abt half a bottle of mongolian vodka with redbull.. i must say its lethal stuff. austin was red from head to toe after like 4 drinks? knocked out in e wierdest position. for me, i was afraid to fall asleep too deeply, in case i cant wake tat KO guy up. hahaa.. i'm actually kinda sad.. this buddy's leaving for brunei coming monday for abt 2 months.. defintely gonna miss him.. my drinking kaki.. slacking buddy.. my aunty agony.. n e list goes on n on.. i'll look forward to ur return dear!

junie's gonna leave on e 19th sept for Uk.. well.. i guess as we all grow older, the distance jus grows longer and time jus gets shorter.. for the next 2 yrs, this best friend i've had for 10 strong years.. is gonna leave us to pursue her studies. i guess we can only treasure whatever time we haf to be together and wish her all the best for everything..

LAUGH! everybody.. come LAUGH...

10 minutes ago, daniel called to crack my day up.

Here's our conversation (simplified):

C: Hey! watz up...
D: Horrible day for me.
C: Tell me abt it. I took cab n it broke down. Doing printing n the machine broke down. Tell me abt horrible.
D: Sounds bad but not worse than mine. I drove a nail through my thumb.
C: OH MY GOD! WAT THE HELL! OUCH!!! R U STUPID OR WAT?..................

ya i know i sounded so mean here. but tat WAS my reaction.. actually i wanted to laugh.. but i controlled n sounded sympathetic later on. but HEY! who would be this dumb to drive a nail through ur thumb? like right through? like a piercing?!?! wat a dumb blonde....

D: hey it hurts ok..
C: yes tat sounded painful n my jaws r aching here. did u go to e hospital or get medical attention?
D: I jus left A&E with a casted thumb..
C: *bursting with laughters* okok im sorry to laugh.. but how did u do it anyway?
D: The nail gun got choked. was checking out wats wrong. while i stuck my thumb up to clear the way the nail got released and shot a nail right through.
C: argh! wat a bloody sight.. but im glad u r fine now..
D: NO i'm not fine.. i have a casted thumb!
C: so how did u manage to dial my number on ur "oh so power" oII XDA?
D: thank god there's voice dial..

ok.. i'm not wrong to say he's indeed a dumb blonde.. perhaps mixing with those chicks in OZ made him dumb. who would use his THUMB to clear a stuffed up nail gun?? its like putting ur hands in when e blender got stucked. *shake head*
n did he forget he has ANOTHER thumb to utilize? i had a freaking good time laughin my head off..

feel helpless and tired (in all aspects.) i need a guide to lead me out of this mess. pretty certain i cant finish my work on time. but how? am i pretty useless to already think tat if i fail i'll haf to work extra hard next term? cos much as i dont wanna give up, time is a big factor tat's not on my side.

ads were thrown back in my face again today. ya was complaining and feeling upset abt it earlier. but i guess as long as i cant convince someone abt my concept, i've failed. tat's it. no point feeling upset abt it cos after some thinking, i know i have to do it again. i'm so tired yet i cant rest. even when i try to sleep, my mind wont relax n i get up feeling even more tired than b4. im already working very hard. i'm trying not to get negative. but.. zzzzz....

...//rantOn voLume2...

i guess i do get extra wordy on days im stressed up.. its MY way of relieving stress.. i've been waiting n waiting.. waiting for files to export.. loading fonts.. printing.. taking so much time. painfully irritating.. i'm using a font tat cant be embedded.. gotta convert all to path all over again.. then export again.. n again.. n again... if exporting too many times will cause file damage, my mac probably be exploded by now. u can imagine how many freaking times i used tat function..

time is really zooming pass me too fast.. cant catch up with e world. its already mid of august.. came across my mind earlier, my 21st birthday party seemed jus days ago.. when mum was hospitalised it seemed like last month.. its actually 5 months ago?! tat's a hell long time cos it felt like yesterday. while i still rant n complain abt my previous relationships n misfortune.. HEY! it all happened more than a year ago.. to be frank i cant even remember when i ended e much painful relationship. but time does flew pass so quickly i cant believe it.

sis is turning 30 in another 2 yrs.. probably be mummy by then. i'll be 23.. guess i'll still be studying. its my good fortune. hopefully.. then when i start working officially.. i'll be like 25? tat's only 5 yrs to 30.. it seem even more impossible now when i say i wanna make my first million by then. should i lower my goal to like owning a car instead? hahaa... but maybe it'll all be different IF i meet some freaking rich husband.. hur hur... i'm dreaming with my eyes open n my fingers running on keys..

i'm taking forever to finish this. watever. volume3 will be up soon.

...//rantOn...

day started in a most unpleasant manner. oh i forgot to include the magic word.. A.G.A.I.N... sunday morning.. i only slept at 7am.. got woken at 10am by shoutings again. why? its almost a shame to know i live under the same roof with a person better known as IT. someone who lives in a world of his own, thinks e world do him wrong, n he's hell of a mental stress to live with. thankfully e creator of life gave me a short coming.. i'm pretty forgetful.. my afternoon went better, thou lack of sleep can be such a killer.

i haf so much things to complete im actually pretty sure i wont make it in time. nothing much i can do, jus gotta get a grip of myself n do whatever i can. another 10 minutes for me to get away from work.

guess things dont go well when u stress urself too much. im trying not to pressure myself too much, telling myself its ok nt to do well. wat matters is i tried my best. i'm trying not to let e perfectionist in me get e better of me. spent too much time earlier of this project, doing n redo e same few pages.. now tat i only haf perhaps 10 satisfactory pages.. tat's like 25% of my requirements? n deadline's 48 hrs from now. woo hooo.... i can go party now.

ok i was jus kidding..

gotta rush out at 8pm when i realise my black ink ran out. idiotic.. when i got yellow last wk, magenta n cyan ran out e moment i got home. then i rush out again. now i got all e colors, black is out. n most of my stuffs r black. sigh.. shit always happen when u r rushing for time. >_<

i'm looking forward to wednesday.. thou after tat i still haf competition entries to take care of.. but heck! e major crap will be over.. can something nice happen for once to make my day?

oh e funny thing is.. when i'm out of job, all e freelance projects went into hiding.. n when i'm busy like hell, i get offers here n there.. GREAT! when im officially over for school, i bet my head on it.. jobs will be hiding again. aaahhhhh..... i wish i could rant out. at least i feel better letting some of my annoyance out.. right time's up! i'll be back on wed to say

THE SHIT IS FINALLY OVER!!

but right now i'll jus keep dreaming abt it first. i miss all my frens........

...//pains...

woke up feeling disorienated. nightmare freak e hell outta me.. leaving me even more tired than b4. it means i haf to work extra hard to make up for e wasted time spent sleeping an unpleasant sleep. perhaps i'm jus too tired n stressed up. i hate nightmares...

i remember feeling my neck on e way back last night on e cab. felt a small lump on my neck during movie, n was checking for lymph nodes.. the scene got stuck in my head. i dreamt i had lumps all over my face n body. went to e docs n they certify i have HIV.. wat the hell... i woke up feeling sick of myself.

went back to sleep again. got woken by shoutings at my door. its happening AGAIN... oh GREAT! i wish e accident yesterday turn me deaf permanently. i dont need this to get into me, affect me emotionally n now i cant get down to work. jus as i was blasting music into my ears to ease out those shoutings...

my hurts n pains were scaled down to minimum when austin msg me.. the same fren who lost his grandfather on monday, lost this grandmother today. i cant imagine the pain.. i already felt horrible when my aunts passed away 1 after another earlier this yr.. jus when u thought its over, it happened again. life can be such a pain u really hate it at times.. yet without these seemingly painful moments, how would u even differentiate the good times from it? guess when extreme, intense pain exist, happiness should come along e way.. i give my heart out to this friend's friend.. whoever u r..

this is like e 3rd death i heard in a week. 3rd death ever since e start of 7th month. i hope i'm jus being paranoid n overly superstitious. sunday noon, elaine's ex boss mrs goh.. her husband passed away suddenly of heart attack.. i jus saw this old couple at elaine's bday party nt long ago. argh.. life can be such a pain..

today's post obviously is depressing and 1 of my down days.. but e cruelity of life itself refrains me from sinking any further. i haf a long list of things for me to do. i give myself another 30 minutes.. do whatever i want and like.. then organise n pack up depression into thrash bag, n put them along e road outside, to be collected by e garbage truck.

...//Stress...

i'm back here again.. the same blog i started yrs ago.. deleted all previous post n started all over.. was reading thru e old ones n i guess its jus too much pain in them.. i have too much happier things to update now. wont wanna haf them there to clash with my present n future..

totally frustrated with friendster.. guess they work under bill gates. i always feel they're not exactly mac friendly. anyhoo.. i have so much to say these days.. n when i realise i cant post for e past few days, trust me all e hair plucking experience ain't fun. *sobz*

its early friday morning. jus got home from "Wedding crashers".. totally whacky n funny... i'm glad i didn't miss it.. n wat beats watching it with 1 of ur best friend? :) it was like a short getaway from my stress n crazy school load.. everyone's freaking out. but i'm trying to stay calm n take things as it comes. resting is essential for this marathon. work aside..

kinda met a small accident today.. got knoced down by a lorry while picking up documents in marina sq's carpark last afternoon. nt exactly injured but got a bump on my left head.. feels swollen n heavy now. ear was bleeding n i got treatment from e hospital. jus to remove e blood blot in e ear. things dont seem too right. but its ok i'm taking things well. (reassuring myself.)

got home n kinda crashed on e bed for 2 hrs. didn't sleep soundly cos e stress was too intensed. but i woke up with a few concepts for my ads. i'm glad i caught some rest cos after this few moments of slacking i gotta get myself back on e work track. life can be such a pain.. but i guess its all gonna be worth it. i'm looking forward to walking out of lasalle with a good diploma next yr. hey! why am i back on work again? see! this stress is jus eating me up.

got a pleasant surprise today.. 1 of my fren cum ex colleague gave birth to twins last evening. a boy n a girl.. i'm so happy for her.. it came as a pleasant surprise for her cos during all e scannings etc, e doctor didn't detect anything.. i wonder if e doc was sleeping. but i guess e surprise paid it all off.. i'm looking forward to seeing this 2 lovely angels soon.

friday.. was hoping my buddies would come over 2 my place 2nite for a drink, jus sit ard n chat a bit.. but i guess everyone's jus as busy.. well we'll c how it goes.. i'm glad to hear from chick earlier.. invitation to his commissioning on oct. but of cos i'll appear.. even if i have to gate crash. heee.. i guess nothing beats having such great buddies we were there for u all e time u needed support.

was kinda unpleasantly shocked by someone's lewd request.. felt disapppointed and upset cos it was a close fren. e memories will remain within me but i guess i'll never look at him e same way again. i'm glad raymond n austin was there to cheer me up n made me laugh when i felt so disappointed with guys. this 2 buddies never fail to remind n prove to me nice guys still exist.. n i'm perhaps super lucky to haf a few beside me all the time? :D

i MUST give austin credits for giving me alot of support in my project. he's like e creative director.. my source of inspiration n technical support. hee... my model + advisor.. gave me such great ideas for my ads. though it was rejected by my lecturer, i mus still say i really think this guy is so creative.. n if u r reading this, ur head dont swell too big ok.. dont float till u hit e ceiling. hee.. remain confident.. but not arrogantly confident hor? heee...

*heave a sigh of relief* feel much better after ranting.. hee.. its time to get back to work. thou i'm kinda tired.. hm.. maybe i'll sleep n wake up early? nt sure yet.. well.. good night.. whoever's reading...